We Speak The Truth

Plasma replacement therapy/platelet rich plasma injections

2009-09-30T16:37:00.002-04:00

Almost 2 years ago, I tore tendons in my groin. Like a jackass, I played through it and made it much worse. By the time someone looked (using an ultrasound), the tear was 4mm long and had no interest in healing. Basically it was a scarred mess that my body had given up on fixing. It always hurt some...especially the day after activity but even when standing or stretching.

As an active guy, this was pure hell. I sought every witch doctor and treatment in the land and eventually, a real doctor recommended one of two options: dry needling or platelet rich plasma treatments.

Dry needling had the advantage of being totally covered by my insurance. Using dry needling, a doctor pulls up the injury on an ultrasound and then directs the needle to the tear using the ultrasound. The doctor tears up the scar tissue with the needle (re-injuring the body) in order to restart the healing process.

Platelet rich plasma (PRP) injections are somewhat similar. First, the doctor draws your blood. Then he spins it in a centrifuge to get a concentration of platelets. That's important because platelets are critical in the healing process--they are the heavy lifters in the healing cascade. Again, the doctor locates the tear using the ultrasound, and directs a needle to the location of the tear. In PRP, the doctor uses a smaller needle than dry needling, but also pokes the injured area from a few directions--reinjuring the area but at the same time, injecting some of the platelets into the injured area to kick the healing up a notch. Unfortunately, PRP is currently not covered by most insurance (I have a kick ass plan) and can cost $250-$750 per treatment. For tendon tears, 2-3 visits are required.

Given the choice between dry needling and PRP, I chose the later. To me, it made sense.

The blood draw is nothing. The needle to the tendon (in my case, groin) is painful but some novacaine takes the edge off and it wasn't bad. Post-needle, tylenol (you can't take motrin or other anti-infalmmatories because you want the blood to flow to the area) takes the edge off and was fine for me. My doc was willing tot give me more for the pain but I didn't need it. I was back to swimming and light gym work in a couple days.

2 treatments and 3 months after the initial treatment, my 2-year old tendon tear is 100% healed. If you're in the Philadelphia area, drop me an email and I'll be happy to recommend my doctor. Otherwise, make sure that you get a doctor who knows how to use the ultrasound (the critical component) and has done this before.

Ramblings of a Former Eagles Fan

2009-08-14T11:52:00.003-04:00

If I hear one more person say that Michael Vick made a "mistake" and that everyone deserves a second chance, I could go postal. Michael Vick did not make a "mistake." He did not take his eyes off the road and run a stop sign, or unintentionally misspell a word in his memoir or in a plea agreement. He purposefully and intentionally tortured and killed defenseless animals for his amusement and profit. As if playing starting QB in the NFL was not amusing and profitable enough. When it was convenient for him, he denied any involvement, and when it ceased being convenient, he told the truth, cut a deal to reduce his jail time, and pretended to be contrite about his reprehensible behavior.

Furthermore, everyone does not "deserve" a second chance. Did Josef Mengele? Did Jeffrey Dahmer? Afraid not. And neither does Michael Vick. Indeed, he gave his victims no second chances. But let's be real folks. Michael Vick has already received his second chance when he regained his freedom. If he is truly contrite, he'll prove it to us with his actions "off the field."

Playing in the NFL is a privilege and not a sacrosanct right. Michael Vick should have lost the right to enjoy that privilege. I for one am exercising my right and am voting with my feet. The Eagles are dead to me. I hope they join the Lions at 0-16 and re-locate to LA or Boston or wherever else Jeffrey Lurie would prefer to move his (but no longer my) team.

Google desktop won't index your old Outlook email?

2009-07-08T15:21:00.004-04:00

Let's face it. No one would ever choose to use Outlook but in many work environments, we're forced to. And why does Outlook suck the most? The email search capability is shit. Which is why I love Google Desktop. I use it all the time to find emails on topics from years ago.

Recently I underwent a laptop upgrade. Here in our office, the Administrator controls most everything and they installed all my software, including Google desktop. Once desktop was done indexing, I noticed that when I searched my emails, no old results popped up. When I checked the desktop index status, it was complete with its indexing but only indexed a few hundred (out of thousands) of emails.

What in the fuck?

Reinstall, reinstall, no good. Fuck.

Google says Outlook has to be open during the install. Some other people on the Interwebs say that Desktop has to be installed at the user level (not the Admin level where our Admins prefer it).

Not sure which solves the problem but here's what eventually fixed this and got my old outlook reindexed.

(1) Uninstall old Google Desktop including index. Poof.
(2) Administrator grants the user (me) temporary install privileges.
(3) Open Outlook so it's running when Desktop installation begins.
(4) Install Google desktop.

And voila. The old Outlook emails started indexing. Unfortunately, my Admin remembered step

(5) Reset user privileges back to retard-level so stupid user doesn't install porn and viruses and generally fuck up network.

Final American Idol Thoughts from the finale: May 20, 2009

2009-05-21T09:41:00.003-04:00

It was the third disappointing season in a row for Idol and I am out. With all of America from which to choose, we get David Cook, Jordin Sparks, and Kris Allen as American Idols. What a joke. They'll have careers for a bit b/c of currents caused by the show, but nothing really spectacular. This show is completely broken. We know nothing about any of these people. There is no real competition between them because there are no consequences to the losers. The top 5 become wildly well known and all of them get a legitimate shot at a career beyond the show. The result is a bland Kumbaya-fest where largely (and shockingly) mediocre talent sing a bunch of songs shoe-horned into themes unsuited for most the contestants fronted by well-outdated mentors like Smokey Robinson, Dolly Parton, and Slash. And don't get me started on the "judges." They haven't made a meaningful comment - well, ever.

The show needs: 1) better talent; 2) real competition; 3) relevant (or no ) theme weeks; 4) legitimate commentary; 5) contemporary mentors (maybe even past winners/contestants); 6) a different host; and most importantly, 7) lots more behind the scenes stuff. I don't know about you, but I'd love to see an American Idol documentary. I'd like to see how the audition process works - I have visions of a flotilla of 21 year olds giving the throngs a 10 second shot, then going on to a second flotilla giving them a 15 second shot and so on until about 20 people get a minute or so with the panel, followed by 10 made for tv freaks.

I'd love to see how the song choices are made, and how much time is really spent with the mentors (my guess is 5 minutes), and how many consultants are working with the gang, and how long the judges actually work - my guess is 1 hour of make up, a 30 minute production meeting, and the show, and how the PR machine works, etc., and how the wardrobe process works, and how the contestants really get along, and what their living arrangements are like, and what a typical day is like for the contestants. That is a show I'd watch and enjoy.

Was Baba-Booey's the Worst First Pitch Ever? I think not.

2009-05-12T17:40:00.007-04:00

With visions of poor Gary's horrendous first pitched burned into my brain - no thanks to Howard - I wondered whether Gary's pitch was the worst ever, or even in the conversation. While terrible, I think not. Let's start with Baba-Booey's:

While that was certainly terrible. It's not the worst ever. Check out these. First up, Carl Lewis, who not only has one of the worst first pitches ever, but one of the worst national anthem's. Here's the pitch (sorry, you'll have to click on this link): http://www.turbobuicks.com/forums/waiting-room/75298-worst-ceremonial-first-pitch-history.html

And now. here's his National Anthem:

Or how about this one from the Mayor of Cincinnati?

Still think Gary's was so bad? How about Mariah Carey? She looks better than Gary while doing it, but her pitch totally sucked:

Mariah Carey First Pitch - Watch more Funny Videos

How about this classic?

Or how about Adam Carolla?

Idol Wrap Up: May 5, 2009

2009-05-05T21:54:00.002-04:00

Not sure what to expect tonight. It's a good solid theme for once. Another rock icon is prostituting himself in order to kick start his career - although I'll never again think of Slash as a bad boy. Like Lil Rounds before her in R&B night - this is Allison's night to shine or to sink - and I pick shine. I'd love to see her bust out some Joplin. Adam will probably disappoint me a bit more tonight with an overly outrageous, theatrical performance. While I'd love to see him do classic Queen or better yet Zeppelin - I'll predict something from Tommy and the Who. Gokey will bust out the Joe Cocker, if he has any sense, and if he doesn't the Doobie Brothers. And poor little Kris will see his run end - and I cannot imagine what rock song this guy will attempt. Maybe a ballad from Bon Jovi. Well here goes.

Adam: Well I got my wish and I was right - he did disappoint. Maybe I am simply too big a Zeppelin fan, but I thought Adam's version absolutely sucked. Rock God, Cara? Don't make me laugh. Improved Zepellin, Paula? Paaleeaasse. Nobody can top it, Simon? How about everybody? Wasn't Broadway, Randy? Well, you're right there unless Rocky Horror hit Broadway. Talk about indulgent. This was indulgent with a capital "I." He absolutely ruined one of my favorite songs of all time. Grade: D-.

Anyone think I am being too hard on old Adam? I give you Zeppelin:

Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love
Uploaded by hushhush112

Allison: Two for two baby. Joplin. Right artist, decent song choice, but I tend to agree with Randy on this one dogs. She had good vocals and did well, but something was lacking. I think she actually held back a bit too much and didn't let that joint loose as my man Slash feared - keeping it real as I must. I fear that Allison's time might be up, but there's always Kris to save her. Still light years better than Adam tonight. Grade: B-

Kris: I am back at the keyboard before he begins - after hearing his selection. My prediction: TRAIN WRECK. No way this guy should either: a) attempt to use his guitar prop on this classic song; or b) sing this song. He should have picked something he could actually sing like Yesterday, or Let It Be (which he'd sure to sing better than that Brooke White disaster from last season) or better yet - Michelle. This is going to completely stink. It will be off key and an unintentional comedy-fest. Can't wait. .... I'm back. It was way better than I thought it would be. I thought the vocals were on key and decent, but it was forgettable. And I'm not sure what guitar stylings Randy was watching, because there were no stylings as usual. Still better than Adam though. Grade: C.

Gokey: Well, the train wreck came one stop late. As soon as I heard his song choice, I knew it was over. What could Gokey have been thinking? The song was way out of his vocal range. It was perhaps the worst song choice in the history of Idol. It was the worst performance by Gokey in the run of the show. It was - dare I say and I heard Megan Joy and the blind guy for weeks - the worst performance of the season. And it was among the worst performances in the history of the show. It totally blew. Totally. Whoever advised him to take on Aerosmith should be fired. Especially when there are endless songs that the guy the guy could actually sing well. Horrible. Grade: 0.

My order: Allison, Kris, Adam, Gokey. As bad as Gokey was, I'd vote out Kris for the body of Gokey's work. I really don't care though. I am now fully behind Allison! Adam's act has gotten old. Seacrest out.

Idol Wrap Up: April 29, 2009

2009-04-29T10:28:00.003-04:00

Thought I'd try something a bit new this week. I am going to do some predictions just before I see the contestant's perform, and then sum up. Before I begin, a bit of a rant is in order. Rat Pack Week? This is the single stupidest theme yet. Don't get me wrong, I love the pack and am a huge fan of the Chairman of the Board, but this theme for the next American Idol? Craziness. I'm reminded of that Duets album - an homage to Frank - that had the likes Bono singing standards. What a train wreck. Bono is one of the premier rock singers of all time, but he couldn't sing a bar of a standard. If I recall correctly, he sang the worst rendition of I've Got You Under My Skin of all time, which is precisely what I expect tonight. Don't believe it's a train wreck? Check it out, dog.

The producers of Idol should be dismissed. How about letting the contestants sing current songs? I wonder who is going to be the worst at this. It could be anyone. Gokey? Allison? Matt? I bet that Adam steals the show again. Thank goodness the blind guy isn't still here to Broadway-ize Fly Me to the Moon - although I'd pay big money to see the tattoo sleeve chick totally butcher a classic. Anyway, I digress.

Kris: Thought captain yo-yo won last week. Since this should be his wheel house, I predict a mediocre, out of key disaster. I can't imagine he'd bust out his one chord on the guitar this week, so I'll predict he plays two chords on the piano. Prediction: Grade C-.

The truth: Well I was right on one thing. Captain Yo-Yo struck again, although he yo-yo'ed way up tonight. I agree with Randy dog, he sang the crap out of that joint. He sounded a bit like a young Michael Feinstein tonight. Grade: A-

Allison: As might as I like Allison, I think the producers and the panel's seemingly season-long conspiracy against her culminates tonight with the worst possible theme for the young rocker. She is completely out of her element and will be exposed as someone who can't sing when she is not screaming. Prediction: Grade: D-.

The truth: As Yoda might say, dead wrong was I. Dead wrong. This was BY FAR Allison's best performance of the season. By far. She blew that song right out of the box. She can sing, she really can. I take it back. But I don't take back the conspiracy. What the HELL was Simon Cowell smoking? In trouble with THAT performance? Just for that, I am going to vote for the first time this season. Screw Simon. Grade: A

Matt: I am not going to go 0 for 3. I'm not. Matt is going to butcher a classic. He is going to put WAY to much R&B in and ruin a great song. Prediction: Grade F.

The truth: It's true. Simon is on Paula's meds. Matt was absolutely brilliant? I have to laugh. Matt was absolutely out of key for half the song and absolutely mediocre in general. Simon must be sleeping with Matt or maybe his mother. Remember, this is the guy that Simon inexplicably saved a couple of week's back. But, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Grade: C-.

Gokey: Not sure what to expect. He certainly is no crooner and he's been dropping week after week. He is never utterly horrible, but this is way out of his area (if he has an area). Prediction: Grade: Solid C.

The truth: Well, 1 for 4 makes me a tomato can in baseball (aka the best sport) and probably worse here. While I am starting to dislike Danny's style, I have to admit that he sang the heck out of that song tonight (even though he did not sound anything like a rat packer). And I think he's edged out Allison for the best of the night. Go figure. With the exception of Matt, maybe this was not so bad a choice of themes after all. I stand corrected. Grade: A.

Adam: I never know what to expect from him, but I'm sure he'll be rock solid and in the 90s. Thanks buddy for raising me up to 2 out of 5 - .400. Prediction: Grade: A

The truth: I don't what to say. Was he good. Certainly. Is he the only unique talent in the competition. Absolutely. Did he win tonight? I don't think so. I agree again with Randy that he did well, but that the song was way too theatrical. I think Adam needs to guard against going too over the top each week. Was he good enough to keep me sub-.500? Yes. Was it an A? Nope. Grade: B.

Rankings: Gokey, Allison, Kris, Adam, and Matt.

Prediction for who is going to go? Thanks to Simon - either Allison or Kris, when it should be Matt - big time. This will be a good week to see how much sway Cowell has over the sheep. If it's a lot - Kris or Allison will be gone. If it is less than I expect, then Matt.

The Buffalo Bills: The Real Cincinnati Bengals

2009-04-16T14:20:00.005-04:00

This is getting ridiculous. First, the Bills produce a double-murderer - their best player ever - O.J. Simpson . Next, Travis Henry gets caught dealing over 11 pounds of coke and faces 10 years to life in federal prison. Now, three more Bills are heading down the same path as Henry and Simpson. Marshawn Lynch pled guilty to illegal gun charges after a prior hit-and-run incident. O.J.'s "cousin" Ko got arrested for a Ray Lewis-esque hindering police charge. Donte Whitner got locked up for aggravated disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. And more recently, Bills' owner Ralph Wilson is reportedly before a grand jury on charges of impersonating a Hall of Famer - the same grand jury that recently held over Dick Jauron on a felony impersonating a head coach charge. Well, at least they don't have any locker room poison to worry about.... Oops, I forgot. T.O. is now a Bill. I think the Bills should just cut out the middle man and make a switch to striped uniforms.

American Idol, April 14, 2009 At The Movies

2009-04-14T20:54:00.005-04:00

American Idol: At the movies. Quentin Tarantino in the house advising the contestants. Here's a preview from his new movie, which looks to kick ass.

Somehow Abigail, who is the nicest and sweetest person on the planet even sees the beauty in Quentin's violence.

Allison Iraheta. Don't want to miss a thing. Timing seems way off with the violins. By the time the chorus hits, she's rolling with that Allison energy. She has a few pitchy moments (a first for her) but the judges, sensing they owe her for some unfair weeks, are kind. Paula says Allison has the special sauce. Exsqueeze me? I think of something different when I hear that but maybe Paula is still in the two all beef patty special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onion on a sesame seed bun (yes sir!) zone.

Anoop Desai. Everything I do. His jacket is half suit, half Potsie. It's slow. Not challenging. But enjoyable. Sweetly melodic and fun. Judges liked it. I was not "wow"ed but he should live another week.

Adam Lambert. Born to be wild. Perfect song choice. His performances to date could be strung together into a best-selling video. The song ROCKS even more than normal. Adam pegs the energy needle. Simon thinks of something negative to say but I don't remember what it was or that it matters. Stellar is almost becoming mundane for Adam.

Matt Giraud. Have you ever really loved a woman. What the fuck? Is this Bryan Adams night? Tarantino says he's a mush-mouth. Remember Mush Mouth?

I love Mush Mouth. From last week, I repeat: Matt is a killer piano player. Now that the blind dork is gone, maybe they will give him some props. (Nope--still ignoring his piano playing.) Song was OK--I mean, it's a lame song but he did well. Randy and Kara knock his performance and they are right: his changes screwed up the song a bit. He's at risk.

Returning to Bryan Adams, I think I listened to that Reckless album (I had it on cassette) a thousand times. I feel like I had some pressing crush on a girl to this song but can't remember who it was:

.

Danny Gokey. Endless love. No glasses--he has a slightly different look. 3 weeks in a row with slow songs, a choice I question. Tarintino gave him good advice on hand use but he didn't listen. (Advice was keep the hands at bay and let energy flow out through voice and eyes.) His BEST performance yet and that is saying a lot because he's been so good. Judges are lukewarm to him and challenge him to be original.

(Aside: Ryan's Randy impression appeals to my 7 year old daughter Nabby so it works for someone.)

Kris Allen. I don't know you. From "Once." Turn down background singer. One way we judge in the Adams house is how much we talk through a song. We talked through this entire performance. We were discussing tomorrow's lunch orders for 2 minutes and it didn't make us stop talking for even a second. Nabby likes carrot more than a rabbit.

(The greatest moment in baseball ever.)

Never heard of the song. Never heard of the movie. He could be gone.

Lil Rounds. The Rose. Timing is off but a good song choice for her. Nothing terrible about it but as usual, she's a disappointment. She argues with Simon but if she didn't suck, she wouldn't be in this position. This should be her week to go.

Top: Lambert and Gokey.

Bottom: Allen and Rounds.

The Latest and Certainly Strangest from Eminen

2009-04-09T13:14:00.004-04:00

While I am generally a big fan of Marshall Mather's work, I am not sure what to make of his latest music video or, quite frankly, whether I even like the song. It's not up to his usual standards, particularly as a first single. The video, however, has its moments - taking weight shots as Jessica Simpson and mocking Tony Romo in the process, taking bald shots at Brett Michaels, taking sexual shots at Sarah Palin, ripping Kim Kardashian's "man hands," and taking a lot of time with a bizarre Star Trek theme. Judge it for yourself.

Eminem - New Music - More Music Videos

American Idol (April 7, 2009) Recap - Celebrity Look Alikes

2009-04-08T20:26:00.029-04:00

Well, here goes another week of Idol, sans Megan, oh Joy! Tonight's theme - celebrity look alikes. Everybody is born with innate talents and one of mine is casting celebrities to play real people in the movie version of things.

8. Scott McIntyre - Art Garfunkel, circa 1968. I thought long and hard about Josh Groban, but in the end had to stick with Art. This dude has the knack of making every song sound like high school theater. Awful again. And what's with that guitar? While I hate his singing, at least I could count on some decent piano... Have a nice life. (BTW. Did you see his parents' pad? They must have major coin).

7. Lil Rounds - Tootie (aka Kim Fields): I agreed with Simon a bit here. She is a bit lost. I never liked her, but I thought she was better than this. She sounds less and less good each week and now sounds like she'd be a good front person for a wedding band. Not good at all. Nope. Not good at all.

6. Kris Allen - Brandon Walsh (aka Jason Priestley). His favorite cellist must be Yo-Yo Ma because he yo-yo'ed back down tonight with his weird version of a danceable song that was, well, undanceable. And what's with his now prop guitar? If you are not going to play the thing, then don't wear it.

5. Anoop - Ray Romano (Indian version). Solid in parts. Dull in others. Terrible dresser as usual. And Simon stole my yo-yo line. Yawn...

4. Danny Gokey - French Stewart. I have come to a conclusion about old Danny. He's a bit of a dork. He is Soul Patrol without any real soul (just the like the (un)original Taylor what's his name). As usual, Danny's performance was serviceable. And it was a tale of three songs. The first was slightly off key and bad. The second was a decent ballad of sorts. And the third was typical Michael McDonald-esque belting. Good not great.

3. Matt Giraud - Justin Timberlake (super light). Not great. Pretty good at times. WAY overrated by the judges, but can you blame them, especially when compared to the ones that came before him.

2. Allison Iraheta - Kelly Clarkson. I really, really wanted to cast Miss Piggy, but I don't want to be mean, so I'll cast Kelly Clarkson from her Idol days. I kept waiting for the power that never came, but this was a great overall performance.

1. Adam Lambert. And finally... wow. Maybe the best performance of the best contestant of this, and maybe any season on Idol. I mean, who is better, more original, more versatile, and has more star power than Adam Lambert? Nobody. I am completely converted. I have been completely won over by this guy's massive talent. Incredible. And who would play him in the movie? At first I thought Tim Curry circa Rocky Horror. And then I thought that little horror, Joe Jonas. And then it hit me like a bolt. Stay with me folks. Ready, because I am dead on here. Warren Beatty circa Bonnie and Clyde.

American Idol April 7, 2009 Birth Year Night

2009-04-08T08:43:00.006-04:00

I have no juice for this episode. Adam has removed the drama and tonight was the same.

Danny Gokey. Stand By Me. I paused the Tivo to make this note. This is a bad song choice. It's been sung too many times and unless he's really done some out-there arrangement, this can be no better than OK. Unpause. This is the worst by him in several weeks--totally mailed it in. Slow, dull smooth jazz. He closed strong but I note that he disregarded the judges good advice to move around. Moving around takes the focus off of his dorky looks.

Did you know Stephen King wrote the story that the movie Stand By Me is based on? God, I love that movie. And most of the reason is the scene that precedes this one, also in the junk yard (stupid Youtube doesn't have the great moment when they talk about the "A" and "E" starting to bend around the edges of Annette's sweater on the Mickey Mouse Club).

Kris Allen. He told a nice anecdote about how someone told him to say hi to Adam. That made me like Kris just a little more than I don't; even he knows it's over. All She Wants To Do Is Dance. Idol has a new locale that some people get to sing in: "The pit"...surrounded by teen girls. He's got a too-cool-for-school-jazz vibe that is unbearable. I despise the arrangement. I listened twice and guarantee that the guitar was not plugged in.

(That is unwatchable.)

Lil Rounds. What’s Love Got To Do With It. It's about the best she’s looked, which is not great. Her shoes are so high that she can’t move comfortably.

Her vocals are OK but not great. I feel sorry for her now. At one point, she was a front-runner. Now she's solidly middle of the pack. Uh oh…when Paula pans you, it’s trouble. Judges hacked it up.

Anoop Desai. True Colors. Go Heels. It's a beautiful song, beautifully done. His lime-striped sweater is G. A. Y. Kara offers sage advice, "To win, you have to control the song, don’t let it control you." Every time she talks, I want to do that--->.

Scott McIntyre. Speaking of pounding heads into walls. The Search Is Over. Scott, Scott, Scott. If you're going to pick a Survivor song, there's only one to choose:

(If that song is on in my head, I start strutting like Travolta. Ah fuck, that calls for another video aside. This is the best video aside ever. All this is way better than Scott's review.

).<--

His kid photo is him dressed as a vampire. (The Staying Alive music is still playing as I write this. SO AWESOME!) I have to apologize for this in advance Scott. I hoped you would not last so long that I finally had to do this but here goes. Dude, the vampire costume was perfect because you, my blind friend, have some bad chiclets. Run home, get a file, and shave those things down. Your super-handsome brother is not looking out for you man. You're Danny DeVito to his Arnold. A dentist could get rich off you. Scott's guitar "playing" was awful. He went to the Kris Allen school of guitar where moving around the E form barre chord counts as guitar-playing. Only it doesn't, especially when it fucking blows. His guitar-playing is better than his vocals, which made even my too-kind wife cringe. Good thing this show has Simon, who is the only judge not on eggshells, "It was horrible." No doubt one of the most painful Idol performances ever.

Allison Iraheta. I Can’t Make You Love Me. ("I'm going nowhere, somebody help me yeaaaahh....") Another Tivo pause. I'm a bit worried because she's already got a Bonnie Raitt-like voice and the perfect way to sing this song--for Allison--is just to copy it, which sometimes is dull. Unpause. She should have picked something more rocking but she still does a good copycat. Allison’s always got me. The judges once again spend the entire time criticizing her for something unrelated to her vocals. ("You need to let America get to know you." Fuck off.) But the judges know she's good. Come on America. Keep her in it.

Matt Giraud. Part-time Lover. (Staying Alive music just ended. Fuckall.) He's back with the awful hat. Despite his New Kids look (I refuse to put that video up), his vocals won me over by the end of the song. Judges love it.

Adam Lambert. It's striking that his parents look so normal. I have no idea what this song is. (Mad World.) The first thing I notice is how he's lit differently every week. I have to guess that this is part of his mastery of the stage. Most others just come out and sing their song with little variation--he's in some funky blue glow, which goes along with the unpainted Blue Man sitting unmoving in the audience tonight. The show is completely rushed for time and he still pulls off a slow ballad masterstroke. The competition for second goes on. Adam wins the night again.

Top. Adam.

Top of the rest: Allison, Matt.

Bottom. Most of the field was OK. Except Scott. He fucking blows.

I am off my game this week. You deserve better my 3 readers. Even Jordan had an off night every once in a while.

Best iPhone Apps

2009-04-03T10:03:00.004-04:00

I know what you are thinking. Why read another post by someone claiming to know what the best iPhone Apps are? Well, I am not claiming to know which ones are the best, just the ones that I like the best and use routinely on my phone. So here goes - in no particular order:

1) Lose It! (Free) Lose It is my favorite app. It is a simple to use method of keeping track of your calories and exercise (complete with large data base of foods and exercises). Using Lose It - just by logging my meals and exercise, I have lost 8 pounds in three weeks and am now down to my lowest weight in 10 years (178) with 10 more to go.

2) Sportacular (Free). Forget Sports Tap, Sportacular is must easier to use. It tracks real time scores of every major sport and includes tons of stats.

3) Evernote (Free). This app rocks. Basically it is an app that lets you keep track of everything. Input thoughts in your phone and they appear on any PC via Evernote's website and vice versa. It has an integrated camera function which enables you to photograph things and store the photos. Better yet, it can full text search the photos so you can snap a shot of a business card and search for it later. It also puts a GPS tag on photos so if you photograph your car, you can find it by a linked map. You can also click a button while surfing the Net and either the full web page you are looking at, or selected portions of that page will be saved to Evernote. So if you are shopping for cameras as I was yesterday, if you see one or more you like, just hit the button and the info and web page will be saved. And it has a voice recorder.

4) WhitePages (Free). This app rocks too. It does three things. It searches for people. It searches for businesses. And it does reverse searches using phone numbers. When it finds matches - and it always seems to do so - it provides addresses and phone numbers and maps.

5) Wikipanion (Free). The iPhone version of Wikipedia. It is easy to use and the results are formatted perfectly for the iPhone.

6) Express (Free). Great little app that collects weather, sports scores, news, entertainment, travel, and 411 in the same place.

7) Now Playing (Free). The best movie app out there. Period. It combines move locations and show times, with Rotten Tomatoes and all movie review, synopses and running times, upcoming flicks, video trailers, dvds, and more...

8) Pandora (Free). The best free radio app available.

9) Shazam (Free). This app blows me away every time. Any time you hear a song on the radio or anywhere, just hit Shazam and the app will identify the song and the artist and other info. It's incredible.

10) Digg (free). Not a bad way to find out what news people think is important at any given moment.

11) Memengo Wallet (a few bucks). This one costs a few bucks, but with it - and an encryption key - you can store all your important info - credit cards, passport numbers, etc., and they'll be available on the Net and your Phone and be protected.

12) Recorder (Free): A great and very basic voice recorder.

13) WebMD (Free): While not a substitute for a real doctor, it contains tons of info for self diagnoses and on tons of prescription drugs.

14) Dictionaire and iThesaurus (both free): To quote Dennis Green, they are what you think they are.

15) NY Times (Free): Great version of the great paper.

16) Google Earth (Free): I am not a huge fan on the PC, but this version does all the same tricks on the phone.

17) Stanza (Free): Good little app that collects all sorts of free reading materials (as well as some that cost $$).

18) Big Oven (Free): 160,000 recipes.

19) The Weather Channel (Free): Best weather info will all the bells and whistles.

20) Games - some free, some a few bucks: Bejeweled 2, Shanghai (mah jong game), Sudoku, ESPN Camerman, Cross Light.

And if your iPhone is jailbroken: Categories. With it, you can consolidate your apps in folders - such as a Games Folder.

That's it for now.

American Idol, March 31, 2009: iTunes

2009-04-01T06:28:00.007-04:00

The theme for this week's Idol is iTunes downloads. Or iTunes top downloads. Or hits. Compounding the lack of clear theme, the contestants visit Ryan Seacrest at the American Top 40 studios in Burbank where he plays some totally awesome sound drops and they laugh and laugh because Ryan is so fucking "The man." Now, after a brief interlude from the dean of the countdown, on with the countdown...

(So many Kasey clips to choose from; this one is more current.)

Anoop Desai. Some Usher song. The snare drum is so damn loud that he’s hard to hear throughout the song. Not sure if his vocals are low or he's not loud. We know he can dance but he picked some awful non-dance Usher song. Terrible song choice and for once, I agree with Kara. (Kill me now.) Give me a funnel and some sticky floors because that was a fraternity party performance. Pretty lame.

Megan Corkery. Or Joy? Maybe she’ll be like the Bills terrible cornerback JD Williams who changed his number mid-season, then later switched his name to James (I stick with analogies I know people). Will I forget shitty Megan Corkery and be amazed by Megan Joy? Umm, no. She sings some Bob Marley song. Her island affect in the middle of the song might be her most painful work yet. Even her appearance, which can sometimes be almost OK, wasn’t on this week. Could she please string together all the blingy chains and hang herself? America: please be rid of her.

Speaking of crazy people, could Paula look any more frightening?

Danny Gokey. What hurts the most. I love this song and predict he’ll WAY oversing it. It’s a better song sung without power—letting the words leak in. And here it goes. My first tip: In a slow ballad, DO NOT move about. He's a good dancer on stage and it pains him to be locked to the mic. This is apparent as his hands are up and down non-stop in Tin-Man like fashion.

Clothes, look, and overdone vocals CLASH with the song choice. He sang well but it was not what it should have been. Judges loved it. Randy said he should rock around on stage—terrible advice for that particular song. Wrong.

Here's what that song is supposed to sound like (with a Kelly Clarkson guest appearance.)

Allison Iraheta. Don’t Speak. Cyndi Lauper look in full effect—odd, but only if you don't appreciate Cyndi, which I do. She changed the song up…very slow at the beginning. The early chorus didn’t grab me but fuck she can sing and got me again. I love this girl. Judges spent way too long on look—teen girls will pan her tonight, overlooking her stellar vocals. She could be in trouble because the judges were so fucking dumb.

Scott McIntyre. Just the way you are. This is one of the most beautiful songs. Scott said he’s stripping it down? Since the original is just a piano and voice, could we be so lucky that he's stripping out the vocals? For fuck’s sake, what has he done with his hair? Between that and the collarless black leather jacket, someone’s been hassling the ‘Hoff. Also he’s unshaven and has a caterpillar ‘stache. Probably his best effort so far—vocal riffing and oversinging is anything but stripping down the song but it was almost OK, which for him is amazing.

Matt Giraud. You found me by the Fray. I hate the Fray so much. They suffer from "every song sounds the same" disease, or as DSM-IV calls it: Loverboy Syndrome.

(One of the worst Bandstand performances ever? Between the lip- and guitar-syncing, it would be hard to be "suck" more than Loverboy. (Wife thought the last sentence was a typo. It was not.))

He’s going to have to sing his nuts off to overcome my bias. Doesn’t do it. Performance was not great but not terrible. He tried to sing like a superstar with fawning teens all around him. He looked like a pedophile DJ (redundant). On a positive note (dog), he’s the 2nd best musician on the show after Scott. No one ever gives him props for the piano. Judges crammed it up his ass.

Lil Rounds. I Surrender by Celine Dion. It is a pretty good song choice for her—she can blow out a Celine song and she does it. Judges basically tell her to not sing white songs, which is obnoxious and borderline racist.

The dress is not flattering and it actually distractingly bad—showing off her junk in the trunk. That, fair readers, is obnoxious and borderline racist. (Though I like junk in the trunk so if anything, I’m an anti-racist.) Actually, the problem isn't the junk as much as there's material bunching in the junk so her trunk looks like it's bungie-closed around a protruding couch.

Her daughter giving Randy a big hug is really cute—she’ll make it through an unfair judge panning.

Adam Lambert. Play That Funky Music White Boy. Couldn’t be a bigger dance hit. At every wedding. Risky to pick kind of a cheesy classic. If he doesn’t win it all, it will be a C.R.I.M.E. That’s really all there is left at this point. The look is 70s and goes great with a rearranged version of the song. Even though it’s self-indulgent, he’s earned the right to be self-indulgent. That’s how talented he is. The rest of the field has been and continues to be playing for second. It’s not even close. He’s touched every kind of music and been the best of the night every time. Just like last week, I can’t wait to see him again next week. STAR.

Kris Allen. Ain’t no sunshine. I haven’t liked this Archuletta wannabe for a while but I liked this. It’s distracting that his feet barely reach the pedals. Is he shorter than Seacrest? He did well until the final falsetto, which was off. Some member of his support team is fucking frightening looking. Wish I could show the video.

Top: Lambert, (country mile), Allen, Iraheta/Gokey.

Bottom. Like Thunderdome, there can be only one: Megan.

P.S. Someone wrote a limerick about my lack of blogging Idol last week. A limerick? Egads. Well, I'm back and now expect a sonnet at least.

W II? Congressman Michael Scott? Incredible.

2009-03-30T16:02:00.007-04:00

Per Shimkus, I guess that there were no plants prior to the Industrial Revolution, because we hadn't yet created any food for them.

Who votes for these people?

2009-03-29T15:31:00.000-04:00

Could the next Idol be gay? You be the judge.

2009-03-18T22:23:00.007-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS IS Adam Lambert:

American Idol March 17, 2009

2009-03-17T21:56:00.005-04:00

Michael Oilman. The words I could understand were beer, truck, shotgun, doublewide, and Klan. Some country-rap version of We Didn’t Start The Fire.

Despite its incomprehensibility, I loved it. His “I don’t give a fuck what you think" attitude to the judge's criticisms saves him from my bottom 3. Judges were complete jerkoffs. His vocals were not on display but the fun factor outweighed any shortcomings.

Allison Iraheta. Looks the best she’s looked yet…which is not actually that much of a compliment. Everyone keeps saying it: it’s amazing that she’s 16 with those Janis Joplin pipes (and looks...ugh).

She’s my personal favorite even though she lacks Rounds's and Gokey’s voice. Long live rock and roll. Please go win this thing, he says, knowing America won't ever let her.

Kris Allen. Ballad. Sucky McSuckenstein. The judges 4-wayed gobbled his knob, which is unreal. He was atrocious and he looks like he just got a swirly.

I hate him the most.

Lil Rounds. Independence Day. Audience clapping is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. Let’s see. It’s country night. She’s black. Formula for a lynchin'. But wait, what's this? She went with a flag-wrapped song. The show mixed her vocals poorly—she is hard to hear over the band. In the chorus, she hits it. It’s a tough night for her but she’s got one of the top 2 voices in the competition and should survive.

Adam Lambert. Ring of Fire. Funky. Hip. Spooky. He’s creepy but fuckall it was oddly fantastic. Agree with Randy 100%: a young dark adaptation. I know it’s not his version but its uniqueness reminds me of David Cook’s Billie Jean.

Scott McIntyre. Hey buddy, the sighted and the blind have an arrangement. We won’t give you singles instead of twenties and you guys wear sunglasses so we don't have to look at the skinless grapes that you call eyes. His voice continues to suck. Piano playing is great but whatever. It’s a singing competition and he has been one of the worst week after week.

Alexis Grace. Jolene. I love this song. Ryan compares her to Dolly in the intro, which is interesting…except that Dolly has a trademark that Alexis notably lacks. Dress looks distractingly like it may fall off. Anyways, I thought she did well. Judges panned her a bit unfairly.

Danny Gokey. Jesus Take the Wheel. I was distracted by the lyric. Fuck you dude (and Carrie Underwood). Save your fucking self asswipe: Jesus ain’t gonna take the wheel OK douchebags? His performance came alive at the chorus and whatever. He advances after an average night for him, which like Lil Rounds, is way better than almost everyone.

Anoop Desai. You were always on my mind. I’m a little shocked to find that Anoops is more than a Fraternity band singer. He’s got a nice voice. First time on display. His timing is a bit off but it’s pretty good. He’s not a top contestan but he might live to see another day with what is his first good performance since the semifinals started. Randy’s word of the night. Dope. Ahh. Keep tabs on Kara. She will NEVER swim upstream against anyone who expresses an opinion before her. She is a lemming.

Megan Corkery. How many well-known worn out songs can she sing? Rockin’ Robin last week. She’s pretty as a button but god does she move oddly…and I wonder what mental baggage she carries in that insane sleeve tat. Like Anoop, she had her best performance to date. Which is not to say it’s great, but middle of the pack. Judges give her flu points, which is bullshit. If that was allowed, they should give Lil Rounds and Anoop minority points for making it through country night.

Matt Girard. Another guy who had his best performance to date. I am a Matt-hater and I really liked it. Love the piano for him—thought it was enjoyable. Long-term greatness? No. But very good and he could move up in this competition after this night. I predict that the judges will love it. Prediction: Correct.

Top 3ish: Gokey, Girard, Iraheta/Lambert.

Bottom 2: MacIntyre, Allen

Jon Stewart vs. Jim Cramer

2009-03-13T13:02:00.001-04:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 1

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

How to Create Free Ringtone for iPhone

2009-03-11T19:49:00.002-04:00

Just ran across this great video instructing neophytes like me how to create free ringtones from sound files. It's as easy as pie. Now my ringtone is Fredo explaining to Michael how smart he is, not dumb like people say, but smart. Or it's Harry Kalas calling the final pitch of the World Series. Enjoy!

HowTo: Free IPhone Ringtones In Windows! - The most popular videos are a click away

I'm excited about the Terrell Owens signing but...

2009-03-09T12:38:00.003-04:00

not everyone is. Fuckin' Hitler, always a downer.

American Idol Review, Semifinals March 3, 2008

2009-03-04T06:24:00.008-05:00

A note for the regular reader. (Who am I kidding?) Fox has a lockdown this year on videos of the performances and is taking them off Youtube as fast as infringers put them up so I can't embed videos. On the Idol website, they put the videos up but it takes them a few days and they don't allow embedding either. I will start putting links to the performances in the blog so the curious can go to the Idol site to watch. (Disabling the embedding is so dumb. Come on Fox. More eyes for your advertisers if you allow embedding.)

Von Smith. Rooster Hair. "You’re all I need to get by." Marvin Gaye is hard to sing and at first, I thought this whitebread dude was fucking it up because his low octaves were painful. Then he hit the chorus and nailed it. Really hit it—I am stunned that this kid can pull off Marvin Gaye. He's wearing the awful in-look though. A red V neck and red sneakers with gray suit. Jesus H man. Simon said he gives off a “Clay Aiken vibe.” Hey Simon, why not just punch him in the balls?

Taylor Vifauna. Ambiguous race woman from Utah. "Some people." Hard song from Alicia Keys. Like the first guy, she hit the chorus. Carrying on a clothing tradition noted last week, she's in another empire waist dress. What the fuck ladies? Stop with the 6 month pregnant look.“What’s it like to go shopping with Taylor” from Kara. Thanks for that insight Stupid. Judges are rough on her. At 17, she'll get over being voted off.

Alex Wagner-Trugman. Dorky guy. "That’s Why They Call it the Blues." He's the winner if this is Last Comic Standing. He delivers a few good jokes but his singing sucks. Still, his poor singing was not as bad as his muscular dystrophy dancing. (Guilt tax. Note to wife reading this: Send MD a check for $100.) Topping off how painful it was, he arranges this sad song to jazz it up. His performance's end was the best part.

Ariana Afsar. 17 year old SD girl. "Winner takes it all." When Ryan said she’d be singing ABBA, I thought Dancing Queen would be the perfect choice for this cute 17 year old.

Then she sings "Winner Takes it All," a somber ode. The judges can't stop panning the song choice long enough to note that she had a strong voice.

Ju’not Joyner. Black guy with cuffs. "Hey There Delilah."

This is a honkey-tastic song (that as a honkey, I like). He slowed it down more than its already slow tempo and I despised (judges loved) the arrangement. Whatever. This guy has a great voice but the song did him no favors. If he can really belt out a song, this song didn't show it and despite the judge-love, I didn't feel it. I do wonder at his name, pronounced Jew-Not. If he makes it further, I'll throw in some speculation about his parent's possible biases.

Kristin McNamara. Plastic surgery. "Give me one reason." Yet another Empire waist dress. Sometimes I see someone and just know for a certainty that they are toxically crazy. Enter this woman. Even Simon comments on it. Her singing is forgettable. Her psychosis is not. If she's 23, I'm 6 foot 9.

Nathaniel Marshall. Inappropriate piercing guy. "I would do anything for love." It's a photo finish to see who I hate more, this guy or Meatloaf. You win Nathaniel. I want to be on record that I wrote that he's Richard Simmons minus the fitness before Kara said something similar. His voice is crap. The tats on chest would be more interesting if you could read them. The judges ask "What kind of record will you make?" Answer: None. Next.

Felicia Barton. Last-minute entrant Mom. "No one" by Alicia Keys. The back story on her late entrance is that some Philadelphia (Go Phillies) girl had a record contract so this lady got in 2 days ago. She's one of the few tonight who sang her heart out. She was off pitch a few times but it's a hard song. 9 for effort. 10 for likeability. 6 for singing because of song difficulty. She stands out and may advance on guts and Rocky factor.

Scott MacIntyre. Blind guy with Greg Brady's hair. " Mandolin Rain." Several times tonight the audience is clapping out a beat inappropriately. What the fuck? He has awful pitch issues. Aren't blind people supposed to have heightened complementary senses like Daredevil had? I'm thinking he's gone at the same time that the judges are fellating him. They are completely FULL. OF. SHIT. Blind guys are good for ratings so advance the blind guy. Give me a break. ::..:.::...:: --that's Braille for me giving the judges The Finger.

Kendall Beard. Country Girl. "This one’s for the girls." (Here's a Yu-Gi-Oh video of the original song that is just fucking bizarre.)

I don't like country much but this girl is charming and she sings precisely the right song for her. A nice ballad with a message we can all get behind: 13 year-old-girls should not give up their poon-tang. Check. When Kara is first up and an attractive woman is on stage, the attractive woman is fucked. No exception here. Kara dicks her over and the other judges follow suit. The judges are wrong. She was solid.

Jorge Nunez. Gay PR guy. "Don’t Let the sun go down on me." As he starts singing I wonder: Is he singing in Spanish? Terrible song choice. Here you have a vivacious energetic gay guy and he chooses a ballad by a colorful but at this point somewhat old and dull Brit. In a trend for the night, the judges are idiotic and compliment his song choice. Simon is right to note that Paula and Kara patronize him for working on his accent. How obnoxious. A first: Ryan made Abigail and me laugh by telling callers to dial "Five Seven Uno Uno" after the guy breaks into Spanish because he's so excited. I didn't think it was possible for a man to be smaller than Ryan but this guy is.

Lil Rounds. "Be without you." Wow. I stopped taking notes because she was THAT good. Not only the best of the night but if America votes right, it can crown the next Idol right now. And I don't even like R&B but there's no doubt she's got the best voice and her stage presence is good. In a crowd shot, the inappropriate piercing guy is not only singing but also acting out the song to the country girl who's next to him. Ridiculous. All the judges love it and cunty Kara goes street in her review, donning an incongruous hip-hop affect. Ugh.

Top 3: Patriots/Lil Rounds
Felicia Barton
And because Idol is picking at least one man and one woman this season in this round, Von.

Simon Cowell's Undershirts.

2009-02-26T20:05:00.005-05:00

Bravo to Mr. Adams for some great posts. I, unfortunately, do not have his kind of time, but I do have a couple of cents I'd like to toss into the ring. What the hell is with Simon and his white undershirts?

The guy makes a $36 million salary for Idol for about 45 hours work. Doing the math, that's $800,000/hour - which is, by the way, over 12 times Howard Stern's hourly rate of $60,000. (Howard earns $50 million per year/168 shows = $300,000 per show or $60,000 per hour). So, certainly Simon can afford to shell out the $50 that Brooks Brothers charges for plain white tees or the $20 that L.L. Bean charges? So why, oh why, does Simon toss on Fruit of the Loom and parade himself on national tv? The guy must by Scottish.

American Idol Roundup, February 26, 2009. Semifinal Round 2

2009-02-26T06:28:00.020-05:00

The show opened with a Ryan Seacrest yuckfest. At this point in the blog's history, I've called Ryan every Roget's synonym of tool and Antichrist there is. It's time to concede defeat: He's stronger than me. Ryan Seacrest is the bestest.

Mississippi Jasmine. "Love Song." I feel sympathetic to the young kids until they've been around a few weeks and then I get more comfortable about bashing them. This poor girl had some issues staying in tune, especially early. Her stunning stage presence did nothing to overcome her rough voice. See ya later wide-set-apart eyes.

Piano guy who's not blind and without piano. "Viva la Vida." I remember this guy from the auditions and he's got a solid voice. This Coldplay shit sucks dick though. Too bad he couldn't copy the original Satriani version.

The dude's vibrato-ing every third note to remind everyone that he can actually sing (unlike the Coldplay dumbass) and it's not working. His movements are Mr. Roboto-like. Via con Dios buddy. I could not hate Kara more. She's got her "dog" knee jerk line already established; "Not the right song choice." Coldplay is never the right song choice.

Leggy bartender. "The Love."This woman is walking a fine line between being hot and being a man. Either way, her singing is holy-shit awfulness. I hope this isn't another night where the backup singers add to the pain but so far, they are. Part way through her medcine from the judges, she starts begging, which removes any chance of her being "hot."

Nelson/Neil the headband gay guy. "Who the fuck cares?" He's Liberace minus the talent. Richard Simmons minus the novelty.

You know how in the underrated movie Multiplicity, Michael Keaton keeps making copies of himself and each one is a little worse than the original, until he comes up with the version of himself who inexplicably calls everyone "Steve?" Well, this guy is the queen version of that crappy copy.

Teen vampire girl. "Alone." If Whitney Houston taught me anything, and she's taught me a lot, she taught me this: Vacuous people can be great singers. Saving her awful red hair for a future post, she CRUSHED a hard song to sing. With the exception of a few singers, she actually went for it and nailed it. And thanks to Paula for breaking out the "You can sing the phone book line," which I thought was reserved for Randy. Best woman of the night.

Archuletta conehead haircut guy. "Man in the Mirror." I don't get this guy but the judges seemed to like him and his lack of ambition is something women seem to like in a singer. He did nothing interesting or original with a boring King of Pop song. Michael Jackson can sing this because he's a god. This guy can't sing it because he blows. Considering how bad the night was up to this point, I'm just happy he's on key.

Tatooed mommy. "Put your records on." Pregnant? My wife says her dress's waist is called an Empire waist. Okie dokie. I call it fugly waist, which along with her flat shoes and giant tat all detract from a strikingly pretty woman. Her shoulder-shake dance move is neither sexy nor appealing. Hmm. A lot of comment on appearance but she sang really well. She has a great voice and considering how shitty the performances are tonight, she might move on.

Matt the Welder. "If you could only see." My man is awkward but he has a nice voice. Hard not to like him but he's not remarkable in any way. Randy's "Dog" = Kara's "Poor song choice."

Jessie the mom. "Betty Davis Eyes." Some part of my youth was misspent converting this song to "Betty Davis Thighs."

She'll put her head in your lap
You can feel free to cum twice
You won't have to work hard
Cum on Betty Davis's thighs.

It ain't right but it was just about as good as this nasally breathy performance. She got better by the end but doesn't deserve to move on. Does Paula have a minnow on her finger? And what the fuck does "too cool for school" mean to Simon? I do not think that means what he thinks that means.

Kai Kalama MELE KALIKIMAKA....

"What becomes of the broken hearted?" This dude boomed out the vocals and wasn't awful but also like Simon said: Kind of forgettable.

Mishavonna 18 year old. "Tell me." Oops, I guess it's called "Tears of Jupiter." Fuck you judges. This girl did really well. I completely disagree with the criticisms--it's a somewhat serious song and she sang it appropriately. Second best of the night for the women (who are slaying the men tonight.)

Mic Jagger. "Satisfaction." He's got Mic's Elvis lip, spastic thing down but fuck if this dude doesn't vocally blow this song out.

This guy actually went for it and showed his range. Best man of the night and should easily advance. One of 4 entertaining performances of the night.

Top 3:
Mic Jagger
Redhead girl
Mishavonna

Obama: "We can rebuild"

2009-02-25T08:44:00.003-05:00

"We can rebuild." That's the headline this morning after Obama gave the State of the Union Address. If you grew up in the 70s, you had to have thought about this: Better, stronger, faster.

The Six Million Dollar Man!

Am I now a calorie-counting douche? IPhone's Lose It!

2009-02-24T12:38:00.005-05:00

I recently started using the iPhone application called Lose it! It's the first time I've ever counted both my food and exercise calories in my life. Holy shit is that eye-opening.

Lose It! draws on a massive food database (stored somewhere on the Web) and remembers the foods you eat for easy retreival. For example, I have 1 of 3 breakfasts most days. A protein shake (all the ingredients are now in as a custom recipe); 2 eggs, a piece of toast and a cup of OJ; or a bowl of Life cereal with milk. Lose It! remembers those meals so I only have to enter them one time and then they are available for future retrieval. If I have a second helping of Life, I can just up the serving quantity. (One of my parentheticals here--I am glad Mikey's cuteness stands the test of time:

.) (Do you think I need a period after the video--I need Bryan Garner's view.)

Continuing this review, Lose It!'s database tracks calories and nutrients against goals you set (Lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks, weight maintain, etc.). I was shocked that in a normal week, 35% of my diet was fat calories--and by all measures, people would find me to be a healthy guy. Now that I'm conscious of it, my fat intake is down to 15%. Seems like that has to be good.

Lose It! also tracks your calorie burning. Like its food database, it has a thorough exercise database that even includes things like curling,

(134 calories for 30 minutes) and sexual activity (at different levels: passive-light kissing; general/moderate (13 calories for 30 minutes); and active/vigorous, ie, giving it/riding hard).

So it's a fun app to have and is helping me shed some pounds but now I'm some sort of calorie-counting fuckwad and won't eat any food without a label or without consulting this goddamn program. Which is a good thing, and judging by this, America needs to buy this program.

American Idol Semifinal: February 17, 2009

2009-02-18T22:07:00.010-05:00

I suffered through all the weeks of auditions, or most of them, to finally see what American Idol calls the Semifinals. Never mind that in every other sport, the semifinalists are grouped into fours: Idol redefines Semifinals to a group of 3. With 12 people in each group. 3 of whom advance to the final 9...Finalists? THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL!

Before I get to the reviews, what have we learned about Season 8 so far.

First, the new judge Kara (you figure out how to say it...I say it car-uhh). Yeah, she's a total cunt. And not in a good way. She sees any woman with talent or beauty as a threat. The annoying bikini-girl in the auditions was a preview of things to come. Just watch: Kara will hate every pretty woman. What's worse though, is she adds less than Randy. Dog.

Second, ahh, who cares? Let's get to the reviews.

Untied high top girl. Leather high-waisted pants and untied high tops are back? Hey Hollywood: Dust off that Who's the Boss movie script you've been sitting on. The first singer of the night won't be a pop star but she could definitely play the Alyssa Milano character. She sucked but gets 2 golden parachute pants for making me nostalgic for the 80s.

Thin guy in purple suede jacket. This dude is a crooner. Great voice. The judges didn't want to prematurely shoot their load praising him (10 more people were coming up) but he was just about top dog. Dog.

The Whore Wannabe. I think her name is Alexis. Or Alecia. Whoever she is, Idol is making a huge deal about how the judges told her that if she wants to get ahead, she needs to be a slut. This is usually solid advice. The problem here is that you can only whore it up if you're kind of a whore. This chick looks like that little girl who was in the Parent Trap remake, but with too much makeup and if she was sleeping around. Not a good analogy? Well, you get the idea. If the analogy was better, the point would be right. She's a goody 2 shoes and looks stupid in the whore clothes. But she can sing! Awesome voice--best of the night. Kara won't feel threatened by her (not pretty enough) and thus loved the performance.

Country guy with big dimples. This guy was the most entertaining of the night. His song was something about living "In a hick town," which I'm guessing is a country anthem. I dug his modern country groove but the judges hated it.

Young Stevie sneakers. If there's anything I've learned in life it's this: When you want to look hot in pants: don't wear sneakers. True no matter what sex you are. Speaking of sex, yes, "sex" is the proper word there. Don't be distracted by gender. Gender relates to characteristics that a society or culture delineates as masculine or feminine. That little grammar lesson was more fun than little Stevie's performance. She's cute but she was a nervous kid and it showed.

Indian man. This guy has an amazing voice. Of all the contestants, he may have the biggest and best pipes. And he's likable. His obstacle: Is America ready for an Indian Idol? No fuckin' way. Here in America, we allow one minority to move forward every 10 years or so. Don't blame me Indian guy, blame Obama. He won't advance. (But he should.)

Sting train wreck. I don't know what to say. I want this woman's face out of my mind. She was off key. She couldn't move. She had these kind of boots on. I am ready for a lot of things to cycle back into fashion from the 80s...but not these. You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Football oil rigger dude. America is rooting for this guy. How can you not like the roughneck with the big voice. I thought he did well but he picked a bad song that highlighted the backup singers more than him. Paula was right (!) to point out that he bounced the mic back and forth between his hands too much. He looked like a woman in the middle of the icky kind of threesome.

You make me feel a natural woman. I didn't have much on this chick. She was serious. She sang a song. Have a nice life. I'll never think of you again.

Michael Jackson. There's one King of Pop. If you're going to try to copy him, you must have serious chops. This guy had dick. Simon was right, "Too bad you remembered the words tonight."

Tatiana. I remember this lunatic's name from all the auditions. She's boil-the-rabbit-batshit nuts. Her withdrawn persona tonight was creepier than the giggly one from the auditions. Stunningly, she delivered one of the better performances in a really tough Whitney song (channeling Houston's crazy energy). The judges panned her just because she's a kook and that's OK but it's not honest. She was one of the better singers.

Danny Gokey. Fuck this guy. Everyone but Simon gobbled his knob but he was only OK. How in the hell can anyone think THAT was one of the best of the night? He's got a good voice, and he sings on key. But he doesn't have a big voice. He's got no personality. If all the American women didn't get all weepy about the dead wife thing, he'd be just some guy. I don't get it.

Top 3: Suede jacket, Indian man, and wannabe whore.

Oh yeah, a little tease for the return

2009-02-12T13:25:00.003-05:00

Man, the election really took a lot outta me. The blog went from being fun and snarky to serious and frankly draining. Months and months of consistent posting and then just...nothing. I was tapped out.

Well, now I'm not. I'm ready to continue writing for my great audience of, well, at least 2. Next week, I'll draw on that old faithful to get it all started up again: American Idol. Until then, I leave you with a little teaser of video with Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman.

Weeds Drive by

2008-11-15T07:12:00.003-05:00

I am late to the Showtime party but am now a big fan of both Dexter and Weeds. I just saw this episode last night!

Even better Prius commercial.

One Thing We'll Miss When "W" Leaves

2008-11-14T18:39:00.004-05:00

Although all intelligent Americans cannot help but be thrilled with the major upgrade that President Obama represents, there is one thing that I'll sure miss when "W" finally leaves - his way with words. Not since....well...ever... have we had someone as inarticulate as "W" in the White House (with the possible exception of when Sarah Palin recently took a tour). Here is a selection of some classic - and unfortunately entirely representative - "W" sound bites.

It's going to be like New Jersey.

2008-11-05T13:02:00.001-05:00

No more pumping my own gas. Sweet!!!!

The mortgage payment thing is gravy.

OBAMA WINS--LANDSLIDE

2008-11-04T06:48:00.002-05:00

Congrats to Obama on a huge win. America has spoken and now we move forward. Our next president:

Masturbation talk for teens from Weeds

2008-11-02T07:22:00.004-05:00

This isn't an easy talk to give (getting it is worse) but if you have an "Uncle Andy," you would have gotten the perfect advice. (Never heard the banana thing.) I recommend this for all Sex ed. classes.

The show this is from, Weeds, is an Adams family (HA...get it?) treat.

A Classic Philadelphia Moment with Harry Kalas

2008-10-31T09:23:00.005-04:00

Mr. Adams was dead right on this one. I am a huge Phillies fan. And it was utterly thrilling to be at Game 5 to see the Phils win it all. It will be one the great, if not the greatest sports memories of my life. In any event, since everyone has seen and heard (most of) it all from Game 5 already - here's something that most of you haven't seen or heard. Around midnight after Game 5, Harry Kalas came out on to the field and sang High Hopes, which I captured on tape. Enjoy!!

http://2.recordertheapp.com/65e4b5a0c5099a78f64f/memo.aiff

WOOOOOHOOOOOO morning after

2008-10-30T06:42:00.005-04:00

Broad Street following the win...packed from City Hall to the Stadium. (A little trouble but almost exclusively fun by all reports.)

Celebration near City Hall.

The actual moment is a little blurry in this vid from the stadium but I forgive him, don't you.

Another one.

Another one from expensive seats.

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO

2008-10-29T22:22:00.004-04:00

Sam's a huge Phillies fan and at the game so this is for him!

The Democrats end of prosperity

2008-10-28T21:49:00.003-04:00

Here's a snippet from a WSJ Opinion regarding the coming Democratic supermajority and why it's scarier than 8 years of a guy who can't pronounce nuclear. If you feel you have to vote for a Dem president, at least do yourself a favor and check his power with a vote for someone other than a Dem Congresscritter.

But here's the rub. Now enter the government and the prospects of a kinder and gentler economy. To alleviate the obvious hardships to both homeowners and banks, the government commits to buy mortgages and inject capital into banks, which on the face of it seems like a very nice thing to do. But unfortunately in this world there is no tooth fairy. And the government doesn't create anything; it just redistributes. Whenever the government bails someone out of trouble, they always put someone into trouble, plus of course a toll for the troll. Every $100 billion in bailout requires at least $130 billion in taxes, where the $30 billion extra is the cost of getting government involved.

If you don't believe me, just watch how Congress and Barney Frank run the banks. If you thought they did a bad job running the post office, Amtrak, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and the military, just wait till you see what they'll do with Wall Street.

Stupid people educating stupider people

2008-10-28T13:10:00.003-04:00

Is the world flat? Round? What in the fuck?

Capital punishment for all dumb people.

What it's like in Wasilla?

2008-10-23T17:39:00.003-04:00

I know we have a regular Alaskan reader. How's this for a representation? Seems like an insult to the independent Alaskan spirit.

Top 5 Rock Guitarists (known)

2008-10-23T12:04:00.002-04:00

Howard Stern and crew spent the last 2 days discussing their best rock guitarists of all time. For the sake of radio, they limited their discussion to known and rock people, so I'll do the same and not go with Andres Segovia

or one of my favorites John Petrucci of Dream Theater.

With that in mind, here's my top 5 rock guitarists.

5. Kirk Hammett (Metallica)

Hard to pass up Metallica. They may have a reputation for being a bunch of PIAs but they are awesome musicians and Kirk tears up his guitar.

4. Randy Rhoads (Quiet Riot, Ozzy)

Ozzy didn't bring metal quite mainstream but he at least got rock and roll fans talking about it. A lot of the reason is Randy Rhoads's guitar.

3. Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin)

Maybe my personal favorite. His guitar is like a voice in some of the best-known rock songs of all time.

2. Eddie Van Halen

Eddie is an idiot savant. He can barely speak English but his guitar does all his talking for him. He's a god.

Start with Little Guitars (not really a video, but the guitar is awesome)

And finish with the greatest VH song and video ever: Hot For Teacher.

Hot For Teacher @ Yahoo! Video

1. Jimi Hendrix

Jimi's guitar was an extension of his body. He might be the best guitar player ever, as he could play anything.

What? No Satriani? No Steve Vai? No Stevie Ray Vaughn? No Eric Clapton? Hey, I like 'em all but these are my favs.

Talk about out of control spending...

2008-10-22T18:26:00.004-04:00

According to the Politico, the RNC has spent an astounding $150,000+ in the last month on - get this - Sarah Palin's wardrobe, hair, and make up. Not since learning that Mr. Adams repeatedly drops four figures on suits at grossly overpriced men's stores, have I heard of such sartorial excesses. She's apparently the world's only hockey mom (other than perhaps Mrs. Gretsky) to drop in a single month: $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue, $75,000 at Neiman Marcus, $10,000 at Macy's, $5,000 at Bloomingdales, and an additional $5,000 on hair and makeup. I wonder if Joe Six Pack would approve of his campaign donation going the beautification of Sarah Palin? But I am sure the RNC will soon announce the silver lining - concocted once the bad press rolls in - that it will claim to be donating Palin's fancy new threads to charity.

Poor John McCain....

2008-10-22T18:06:00.001-04:00

I hope he'll be okay. It can be scary for the elderly to be left all alone. What could his guardians have been thinking?

John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

The real Sarah Palin on SNL

2008-10-20T12:26:00.001-04:00

Obama's plans: an ass-fucking for productive America

2008-10-17T06:27:00.015-04:00

If that debate exposed anything besides that McCain is still a grumpy old man who is unfit to be president, it showed that a confident Obama is eager to show just how Socialist he is. Check this rhetoric.

Obama: Let's give a "90 day foreclosure moratorium for homeowners that are acting in good faith." What in the fuck? A government moratorium--no let's call it a "fuck you"--to all banks that went out on a limb and gave hundreds of thousands of dollars to people who now can't pay the banks back. How about we call this Obama's "Let's fuck the banking system up even more plan."And what the fuck does "acting in good faith mean?" I'll be acting in good faith when I send a hundred bucks to my bank from the Bahamas! More sexytalk from a guy who doesn't use that big brain much. [Haven't we already been fucked enough by this guy---->]

Obama: "When you [READ: the government] spread[s] the wealth around, it's good for everybody." That sounds so good. I have less; motherment can give me more. Yummy yummy. Is there any doubt about who the 30% (the number is up for debate but it's safe to say it's between 25-35%) of people who don't pay income tax vote for? Will they vote for a guy who gives incentives to those who work or those who don't? Hmm.

Obama: Several hundred billion in new spending. There's been some good and correct rhetoric about how fiscally responsible things were getting under Clinton before Bush took office. This graph shows that trend well.

But Obama ain't Clinton. During the first debate, Obama couldn't identify a single government program he would cut--in fact, when asked what he would cut, all he could do was atlk about what he would add.

On Wednesday when McCain called Obama "Senator Government," he was right on.

When All Else Fails - Lie

2008-10-16T19:09:00.003-04:00

Anyone catch the final presidential debate last night? During the debate, McCain accused Obama of funding a group called ACORN which McCain described as being "now on the verge of maybe perpetrating one of the greatest frauds in voter history ... maybe destroying the fabric of democracy." That's right, according to McCain - ACORN's activities might be destroying the fabric of democracy. Listen for yourself.

Concerned about the imminent destruction of our society as we have known it, I decided to do some research on ACORN. Consulting various sources - such as www.factcheck.org (yes reader Biden I have given proper attribution) - I discovered that far from perpetrating "one of the greatest frauds in voter history" much less potentially "destroying the fabric of democracy," a handful of ACORN workers - who were apparently paid by the volume of voters they registered - were making up names of voters and registering non-existent people to bilk ACORN out of a few bucks. That is, these unscrupulous ACORN workers were not trying to facilitate illegal voting - as McLiar intimated - they were simply cheating ACORN. As the Republican Prosecutor Dan Satterberg of King County, Washington said:

"A joint federal and state investigation has determined that this scheme was not intended to permit illegal voting. Instead, the defendants cheated their employer. ... It was hardly a sophisticated plan: The defendants simply realized that making up names was easier than actually canvassing the streets looking for unregistered voters. ... [It] appears that the employees of ACORN were not performing the work that they were being paid for, and to some extent, ACORN is a victim of employee theft."

So rather than discussing the real issues, McNasty has once again resorted to slander, innuendo, and fear mongering - not the traits this voter wants in a Commander in Chief.

For much more on the real McCain, see Tim Dickinson's excellent piece in RollingStone: "Make-Believe Maverick." http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/make_believe_maverick_the_real_john_mccain

Cartoon

2008-10-15T06:46:00.008-04:00

Thanks to the Whatever girls (Sirius 112, 5-7pm) for pointing out this New Yorker cartoon.

More fun with FOX

2008-10-14T07:23:00.002-04:00

When MSNBC exposes you, you're really fucking up.

McCain defends Obama

2008-10-10T23:58:00.003-04:00

I know he made this bed but it's nice to see McCain kicking off the covers at least, sticking up for Obama in the face of some of his idiot supporters.

Take on Me (eeeeeeeeee)

2008-10-09T13:12:00.003-04:00

I listened to Coheed and Cambria for 5 years when someone told me that all their songs are about some comic book that the lead singer writes. And I was all, "Getthefuckouttahere!" And he was all, "Here'sthelinkdumbass." How the hell should I know? I don't know what any song is about unless it's sung like this one.

(Wait for it to build until the lyrics...if you're an 80s child, you won't mind the long buildup...[Sam, Hester will no doubt groove to this])

What songs are out there that wouldn't need this kind of video? What songs just tell it like it is? Here's one.

What else? Another song that leaves no mystery to its message? I can't think of one but I also can't pass up a chance to introduce you, gentle reader, to R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet Rap Opera. I once played basketball with R. Kelly (truth) and he's as crazy as this song, which is not meant as a joke, spoof, or satire. R. Kelly does not have a funny bone in his insane head.

More McCain voters

2008-10-09T06:48:00.001-04:00

Here's some more with the electorate. I promise I'm working on a non-election story right this second.

The Latest Farce - Last Night's "Debate"

2008-10-08T19:42:00.000-04:00

Anyone catch the big farce last night - the so-called Town Hall debate? I was disgusted watching it. And as far as I am concerned, neither man deserves to be President, as it was absolutely clear that neither man has the first clue about the financial crisis or how to deal with it. Not the first clue. Not the first clue. Not the first clue.

While with a big lead it might have been risky for Obama to address the issues directly (and while that's not a legit excuse), why the hell did McCain not seize the day. All he needed to do was to tell the American people that he was there to directly answer any question posed to him and then ask the American people to watch how Obama will not give a straight answer to any question. All McCain had to do next was to actually answer the questions posed. This is why the stock market is failing. These are some of the biggest reasons for it. This is how I plan on addressing these issues. Instead, McCain (like Obama) ducked everything and fell into his talking points. Idiot.

McCain also had a chance to seize the day re. his cabinet. People are rightly concerned he's old and that Palin was a terrible (read: the worst possible) choice for VP. How about him standing up and saying that I won't be governing alone. If elected, these 8 people have agreed to serve in the following posts. They are the best and the brightest this country has to offer. Together they have 300 years of experience - more experience than the age of this republic. And then he could toss that back at Obama. While I have a plan and the people in place to execute it, what does Obama have? He's got nothing. He's all smoke and mirrors.

But did he do any of those things? Of course not, he's an idiot who has no business in this race much less being in the U.S. Senate. His handlers, while experts at spoon feeding talking points to brainless hockey moms, have no ability to think strategically.

On top of that, Brokaw should be put out to pasture. He had the chance to make his mark and not only did he screw it up, he looked like a fool. If I'm Brokaw, I go completely off the board. I throw out the rule book and demand that the candidates respond to my questions. What could the candidates do if they didn't like it? Walk out on live television? What could be done to Brokaw - he's semi-retired? And he'd be viewed as a hero if anyone messed with him for being tough on these candidates. I would have fired one tough question after another and would interrupt if my question was not being answered. I'd also get smart with the candidates when they ducked. Is your avoidance of the question an admission that you don't know the answer? Don't you think the President should know the answer?

We've got real problems in this country folks and the next President needs to understand the problems and be prepared to address them. So far, neither Obama nor McCain demonstrated either. And after eight years of having an arrogant, know nothing as President, we can't afford to have four more years of the same. I don't know about you, but I'm scared about our future. And it sure looks like neither McCain nor Obama are going to make me feel any better, anytime soon.

Life Rules, Part One

2008-10-08T19:38:00.000-04:00

As a public service to my fellow citizen's of the world, here is the first installment of Life Rules. Life Rules are simple guidelines that all civilized people are required to follow without question. They are not negotiable.

1) No one riding on public transportation should ordinarily ever talk on a cellular phone. If the call is important enough to merit violating this general rule, under no circumstances is the person to talk loudly on the phone. Loudly means in a tone that can be heard more than 2 rows away from where the person is seated. Modern cell phones are impressive instruments, you can talk quietly and still be heard. This same rule applies to people having a conversation on the conveyance.

2) Under no circumstances shall a commuter sit on the inside seat on a bus or train and place his or her things on the seat next to them to prevent other passengers from sitting down next to them. It's plain rude.

3) Under no circumstances shall a commuter sit on the outside seat on a bus or a train - when no one is sitting on the inside seat. This little maneuver is even more rude and is passive aggressive. New passengers shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable about asking to sit in an empty seat on the conveyance.

4) Respect people's personal space. Under no circumstances shall you walk within three feet behind someone else. Either slow down or pass the person. It makes the followee must uncomfortable. If you are speaking to someone face to face and they can smell your breadth or feel the air coming out of your mouth - you're too close. Back off - close talker.

5) If you are driving behind someone in the right lane, are less than 4 car lengths behind, and have ample room to pass on the left - pass on the left. Nothing gets me madder than having some a-hole tailgate me for no reason. Even worse is when you move over to the left, and they stay in the right lane and speed off. Just move over and pass jackass.

6) You must pause 1 second before hitting the horn when behind someone stopped at a traffic light after the light changes to green.

7) You are required to turn right on red at a light whenever you can. No excuses.

8) Never - I repeat NEVER - advance into the "box" in an intersection unless you are 100% certain that you'll get through the light before it turns red.

9) Never blow your horn at someone when you are stuck in traffic.

10) Never use the word "yous." In the first place, it's not a word. In the second, it makes you sound like a piece of uneducated trash from South Philly. The word "you" is singular and plural. There is no excuse for violating this rule - not even for waitresses.

11) When a waitress says "Are yous ready to order," you are required to say "wes are ready."

12) Unless you own the joint in which you are waiting tables, you are not permitted to say "I" have the following specials. You don't have anything, the restaurant or its owner does. Waitresses are never permitted to say that they'll "be taking care you today." We know what your fuckin' role is - just introduce yourself and take our orders. And NEVER, I repeat NEVER shall a wait person take an order without writing it down. Your memory is not that good. Just write down the god damn order.

13) When you pick a gym locker - in a private gym - you are required to pick one that is at least one full locker away from a locker being used. No one's personal space should be invaded by some idiot in a three-quarters empty locker room.

14) Under no circumstances are you permitted to be entirely naked outside the shower at a gym. Have some sense of decency and decorum. We don't want to see your junk. Never.

15) Shut the hell up while you are working out. Th gym is no place to carry on cell phone conversations or to gossip with your girlfriends.

16) If you're working out, work out. You are not permitted to delude yourself into thinking you are exercising by sitting on an exercise bike and pedaling 1 mile an hour - it's not exercise.

17) If you work in a retail store, do not say hello to every entering customer and ask them if they need help finding something. If we need your help, rest assured we'll ask. If you must violate this rule, if the customer says no thank you, that's it. You have no right to say another word to the customer. As a corollary, you are not permitted to say "goodbye, have a good day" to every customer that leaves the store. Save us the bullshit platitudes.

18) If you are at a movie, shut the fuck up. You're not at home and we can hear you.

Look for more Life Rules in upcoming posts.

As good a reason as any to pick a VP

2008-10-08T13:48:00.004-04:00

You've been wondering why McCain chose Palin? Wonder no more.

Sad Guys on Trading Floors

2008-10-08T13:26:00.005-04:00

Once shit like this goes mainstream, the worst is bound to be over. I introduce the website Sad Guys on Trading Floors.

(Thanks to the Big Picture blog for calling attention to this.)

At least one person gets it

2008-10-06T22:00:00.003-04:00

Following my lead, John Stewart cranks his criticism of Congress's failure to pass the bailout bill out of the park.

Mark to market accounting

2008-10-06T16:58:00.010-04:00

There’s been a fair amount of talk about the problem with the “mark to market” accounting rule lately and how it’s contributing to the financial downturn. Wondering what “mark to market” accounting is? Whatever you do, don’t listen to the Economics professor who tried to explain it on NPR this morning.

I'm no economist but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night so let me explain it in stupidhead terms. If I can understand this thing, anyone can.

Let’s say you’re a bank. You have an asset sheety where you keep track of all the shit that’s worth a thing. This is one of the ways you—and others—assess how financially healthy you are. Banks with lots of assets are pretty healthy. Banks with fewer assets = less healthy. More importantly, banks with assets on the decline = in trouble.

With the idea of that asset sheet’s health in mind, enter the mark to market accounting rule. This rule helps define a certain value to your assets. Under mark to market accounting, the value of your asset is the amount that you could get for the asset in the current market.

Step into today’s economy. You’re still the bank. (Remember: that’s how this started moneybags.) One of your assets is your real estate holdings (there are other assets affected by mark to market but I'll stick with real estate for this example) that you own as collateral for mortgages. So let’s say that in October 2007, your real estate holdings were 100 million. By mid-2008, real estate was tanking so now your real estate asset was worth 70 million. Ugh. Bad half a year.

But things suddenly got a lot worse in September—the sub-prime mortgage mess is in full effect and the bottom drops out of real estate, which again fucks your asset sheet…not slowly but immediately. The panic in real estate has an immediate and fucking effect on your balance sheet and in 1 week, your balance sheet is valued at 50 million.

Now you’re a bank with a certain asset with a value that halved in a year. Banks need—MUST HAVE—good balance sheets, i.e., lots of assets. If you don't, people pull all their money (just like the run in It's a Wonderful Life)

and then you have no cash and you're kaput. So what do you do? You have to hoard cash instead of loaning it out so that you have more assets.

This is awful though! Hoarding cash means that you as bank won’t be making money on loans (that's how you make money as a bank but you knew that). Not loaning people money means that companies don’t have money to pay employees, make improvements, and otherwise turn the wheel of the economy. (This is the "credit crunch" everyone's talking about.)

So what’s the problem with mark to market accounting? Mark to market accounting destroys a bank’s asset sheet in a hurry when a panic occurs—which incites even more panic.

The proposed panacea for “mark to market” accounting would allow banks to value their assets not based on their value in the market, but some value that is not panic-inspired. So let’s say the bank looks at it’s real estate collateral and says, “The panic will end and the real value of this real estate is 80 million, which is what it will be valued again in the near future.” This helps the bank’s asset sheet and doesn’t feed the panic spiral.

If you’re still with me, you perceive the problem with this too. It gives the bank a lot of leeway to voodoo the asset values to something other than their market values. This sort of voodoo undermines confidence in banks’ ability to value assets, which could cause other problems and is the reason mark to market accounting went into effect in the first place.

Suspension of the mark to market rule should have a good effect immediately on balance sheets, driving up the values of banks' assets overnight. The immediate result will be banks having more assets. With more assets on paper, banks don't have to hoard so much cash. What do banks do with excess cash? Loan it out--that's right. This gets cash flowing into the economy and it's not a loan from the US taxpayer. Changing the mark to market rule is undoubtedly a faster and more market-friendly way to start money flowing into the economy than the 700 billion dollar rescue nee bailout plan, which will take a lot longer to get going.

Any other questions class?

Justice delayed is ... Justice

2008-10-06T09:27:00.003-04:00

There's been a lot of bad news lately - gas prices are on the rise, the stock market is in the tank, U.S. soldiers continue to die needlessly, the housing market is in decline, investment banking firms are collapsing, unemployment is on the rise, and Sarah Palin is running for Vice President. Amidst all of the bad something good - something very good - happened on Friday. 13 years to the day that one of the biggest miscarriages of justice took place in American history, a jury in Sin City righted a wrong and found Orenthal James (O.J.) Simpson guilty on all counts. How fitting indeed is it that a man as lucky as Simpson lost his freedom in the gambling mecca of the world? How fitting is it that a man as stupid as Simpson lost his freedom committing one of the dumbest crimes ever - stealing back his own memorabilia. Couldn't he have simply bought a Sharpie and made some more? They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and they're right. Simpson committed robbery in Vegas and now gets to stay there the rest of his life. I sure hope his cell faces the Strip so he can - day after day and year after year - see what he is missing.

Happy October!

2008-10-03T11:53:00.002-04:00

The Palin Rules

2008-10-03T10:44:00.004-04:00

From the day late department (and derived from our friends at iReport - http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-99661) comes these rules which I bet we all wish we had before last night's debate. We give you the Palin Rules. Every time Palin says the following, you have to take a drink:

1) "Thanks but no thanks" to the Bridge to Nowhere: Demand a new drink from your hosts, say "thanks but no thanks," and then when no one's looking, take it anyway, then claim you never wanted it.

2) References how you can see Russia from Alaska and calls it "experience."

3) Winks or gives a thumbs up to the audience.

4) Hockey Mom: Drink a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, head to the nearest dive bar, talk up the first bimbo that you see, and make your own Hockey Mom.

5) Says a world leader's name, two drinks if it's pronounced correctly.

6) Says any of these words/phrases: Alaska, Bridge to Nowhere, energy regulator, energy producing state, executive experience, job creation, Washington elite/establishment, media elite, corporate greed, pitbull, lipstick, or maverick.

7) Joe Six Pack: You guessed it - drink 6 beers.

8) Leaves off a trailing "g" - takin', leavin', changin', etc.: You Betcha' - drink three times.

9) Any time Palin answers a question, and someone at your party blurts out "WTF is she talking about?"

10) When Palin claims that Washington's problems can be solved by small town know how and common sense: Drink a Labatt Blue as you read up on how to become a Canadian citizen.

11) When Palin recounts putting the governor's jet on eBay: Auction off a beer to your friends.

12) When Palin insists that governing a small town in Alaska is in fact experience: Give your friend a shot glass of beer when he/she asks for a pint and insist it's the same thing.

13) When Palin talks about being the most popular governor in the country: Go to a room by yourself, realize you're the most popular person in the room, then finish your drink.

14) When Palin mentions being a champion for special needs kids: Say Hockey Mom, then drink two cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon, head to the local watering hole, chat up the first spent 40-year old cougar that you see, and make your own.

15) When Palin mentions John McCain having led the charge for deregulation: Drink three beers and wait for your savings and loan to collapse.

McCain's Handlers for President?

2008-10-03T10:23:00.004-04:00

Hoping for a train wreck last night, I got a snoozefest. I have to hand it to McCain's handlers, they can write great speeches and really know how to make the uninformed sound somewhat credible. I need to retain these guys to prepare my clients for depositions. If they can fill the void between the ears of an annoying, mindless, worthless idiot like Palin (who knew nothing about any of the issues 5 weeks ago (save energy)), just think what they can do for an innocent business owner wrongfully sued by some deadbeat or another? I wonder if they can govern as well, I sure hope so - because they'll have to - McNasty and McStupid sure aren't up for the job.

The bail out/rescue plan: Congressional leadership at work

2008-10-03T07:49:00.006-04:00

The original bill was about 4 pages long; the new one is over 451 pages. I understand if you haven't read it. So let's take a look at what was added in order to insure that this absolutely critical piece of legislation passes.

$100 million tax break to benefit auto racetrack owners;
$192 million in rebates on excise taxes for the Puerto Rican and Virgin Islands rum industry;
$148 million in tax relief for U.S. wool fabric producers;
a $49 million tax benefit for fishermen and other plaintiffs who sued over the 1989 tanker Exxon Valdez spill;
and my favorite, a $2 million tax benefit for makers of wooden arrows for children.

Look at that last one again. That's right. We're getting the shaft.

Equal time: stupid Obama voters

2008-10-02T09:37:00.006-04:00

And here's the flip side from the earlier post about dumb McCain voters.

(no video, just audio)

It really is best to read it every day

2008-10-02T06:49:00.003-04:00

The Wall Street Journal has a nice collection of quotes from the House Financial Services Committee about Fannie and Freddie today. It's a reminder about who in Congress was for regulation and who was against it. (Hint: the regulators and de-regulators are not associated with the parties Obama keeps saying, but he'll surely keep saying it anyways.)

Follow the link for the entire thing, but here's an excerpt.

House Financial Services Committee hearing, Sept. 10, 2003:
Rep. Waters (D. Calif): However, I have sat through nearly a dozen hearings where, frankly, we were trying to fix something that wasn't broke. Housing is the economic engine of our economy, and in no community does this engine need to work more than in mine. With last week's hurricane and the drain on the economy from the war in Iraq, we should do no harm to these GSEs. We should be enhancing regulation, not making fundamental change.

Mr. Chairman, we do not have a crisis at Freddie Mac, and in particular at Fannie Mae, under the outstanding leadership of Mr. Frank Raines. Everything in the 1992 act has worked just fine. In fact, the GSEs have exceeded their housing goals. . . .

Rep. Frank (D. Mass.): Let me ask [George] Gould and [Franklin] Raines on behalf of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, do you feel that over the past years you have been substantially under-regulated?

Mr. Raines?

Mr. Raines: No, sir.

Mr. Frank: Mr. Gould?

Mr. Gould: No, sir. . . .

Mr. Frank: OK. Then I am not entirely sure why we are here. . . .

Rep. Frank: I believe there has been more alarm raised about potential unsafety and unsoundness than, in fact, exists.
...
Senate Banking Committee, Oct. 16, 2003:

Sen. Charles Schumer (D., N.Y.): And my worry is that we're using the recent safety and soundness concerns, particularly with Freddie, and with a poor regulator, as a straw man [ed. note straw man he says, what a maroon] to curtail Fannie and Freddie's mission...

Mr. Franklin Raines (then-CEO of Fannie Mae): But more importantly, banks are in a far more risky business than we are.

I love how these Congresspeople on the House Finance Committee(!) go to the fox to ask if it needs more help guarding the henhouse--and then take it seriously when the fox says "no."

Fox: Fair and Balanced!

2008-10-02T06:23:00.004-04:00

Just up the rode from Sam and me in Scranton, a FoxNews reporter takes a survey. Looks like the race in PA is tightening up.

Informed electorate

2008-10-01T15:45:00.003-04:00

I like this one but don't get too arrogant Obama people. You have people like this in your camp too!

It's time to get frightened and STAY frightened

2008-09-30T18:40:00.007-04:00

Let's face it folks. It's not a fairy tale. It's not beyond the realm of possiblity. It's even conceivable. Sarah Palin could be our next Vice President. So, the worst President in U.S. history could very well be followed by the worst Vice President in U.S history, who very well could herself (with McCain's ill health) one day rise (read: sink) to W's exalted (read: pathetic) spot at the bottom of the heap. After all, W was re-elected after a disastrous 4 years, where he plunged us into an unnecessary war (at the cost of countless thousands of American lives), created unprecedented budget deficits (by lowering taxes and increasing spending), destroyed our status in the world community, broke about every treaty that he could, and led our economy to the brink of collapse, all while managing to take more vacations than any other U.S. President. But I digress, while Bush might not of known who was the President of Pakistan when he ran for President,

Palin thinks that Putin flying over Alaska's airspace and Russia being near to the Alaska's border makes her qualified on foreign policy. Surely I must be joking, you say? Shockingly, I'm not:

OK, she doesn't know anything about foreign policy, but she must know something about the biggest financial issue in recent years and the proposed $700 billion bailout, right? Not a chance:

OK, so she's no financial expert, but surely she knows John McCain well enough to point out a single example of how the self-proclaimed Senate "Maverick" has pushed for increased financial regulations during his 26 years in Congress. I think you know where this is headed:

Maybe we should just vote for someone else. How about someone who looks like Palin, can sound like her, can read (from teleprompters) and write (she's won 4 writing Emmys), and has over two years of executive experience running a program whose budget exceeds that of Alaska's (30 Rock). Yes, folks, you heard it here first: Tina Fey for Vice President. And for those that don't think she can do as well as Palin, check out this performance:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/couric-palin-open/704042/

Congressional failure of leadership

2008-09-29T19:58:00.006-04:00

Dear Congress:

Today you failed to pass the bail out plan, a terribly ill-spun layman's description of the "Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008." Maybe we should stop right there: Did you stop to clearly explain to the Americans who hate the thought of bailing out "fatcat Wall Street CEOs," to paraphrase our Marxist populist-fear-fanning-Democratic-presidential nominee, what it is this bill does? No.

And why would you? I mean, it's only the most important piece of legislation in 30 years. How about breaking in to the prime time Survivor slot with an explanation that this bill isn't bailing out anyone except everyone? That it's not 700 billion America will never see again unless property values go to zero. That making sure money keeps flowing is crucial, not just to Obama's Wall Street fatcats, but also to the average consumer. Fuckall, they did a better job of explaining banking in Mary Poppins than you all did before proposing this bill. Is Dick Van Dyke available to run for Senate? President?

Let's be crystal clear here Congress. I don't lay this blame on any one of you. I don't lay the blame for today's debacle on a party. I lay it at all of your doors. Simple as that. Knowing how dire this crisis is, how dare you propose a bill that won't pass? How dare Speaker Pelosi use the floor debate as a tool to bash the right and Bush at a time when we need a sense of teamwork?

"[W]hen was the last time someone asked you for $700bn? It is a number that is staggering, but tells us only the costs of the Bush administration's failed economic policies — policies built on budgetary recklessness, on an anything-goes mentality, with no regulation, no supervision, and no discipline in the system."
"Democrats believe in the free market, which can and does create jobs, wealth, and capital, but left to its own devices it has created chaos."
"Democrats insisted that legislation responding to this crisis must protect the American people and Main Street from the meltdown on Wall Street. The American people did not decide to dangerously weaken our regulatory and oversight policies. They did not make unwise and risky financial deals. They did not jeopardise the economic security of the nation. And they must not pay the cost of this emergency recovery and stabilisation bill."

Nancy, you stupid cunt, (guess I am calling out a few individuals after all), what the fuck is wrong with you? I guess the "I told you so" moment trumped the import of the occasion?

And how did our Congresscritter presidential candidates fare in this? McCain's photo-op retreat to Washington now looks like a failure because he didn't get the parties to work together, as he has so often brags is his strength. Obama's "don't forget me" Washington visit looks even more useless. Throughout the crisis, neither man has showed the balls to take a position on the bill, instead waiting to see how the political winds shifted before taking any stand on it.

So Congress, with all the world watching (make no mistake, Europe and Asia will take it in the ass tomorrow on the news of this failure), you showed no leadership and I will hold yo u accountable for it in November.

--John Adams

PS. And to you fellow voter: as you step into the booth in 5 weeks, remember this moment of colossal leadership failure as you stare down the ticket at your incumbent Congressperson. The "other guy," whoever it is, should look pretty inviting.

When you turn to cast the presidential vote, I hope you now feel a chill. These men were both spineless in crisis and undeserving of the leadership they aspire to. I wish I could offer a strong third party recommendation. At this point, I nominate the write-in vote for Dick Van Dyke.

The Latest from The Onion? Shockingly No

2008-09-26T15:36:00.004-04:00

I was minding my own business today when I thought I had received the latest from The Onion in my email. It was a piece asking me to subscribe to a magazine dedicated to providing an "in depth" report on Sarah Palin's conservative record and then urging me to buy a book called: "Sarah: How a Hockey Mom Turned Alaska's Political Establishment Upside Down." I read on - waiting for the punchline - only to be horrified that the email was not intended to be funny. Some lunatic - Jonathan Garthwaite - actually created a magazine dedicated to exploring Sarah Palin's record and an even bigger lunatic - Kaylene Johnson - actually wrote a book about her. While I have time to read both sides of the index card on which Palin's "extensive" record is recounted and even to read the no doubt 100-page long, quadruple spaced, 36 point font book, I am stupified that anyone would take so much time to extol the virtues of someone so unqualified and inappropriate for the job. While blindly right wing types might persist in lying to themselves, I don't want a Hockey Mom running the country. I don't someone who hasn't left the country representing us with heads of state. I don't want someone afraid to hold a press conference or to release her finances (before her debate with Sen Biden) or to talk without a teleprompter to be my a second-in-command. C'mon folks, let's be real. The choice of Palin should disqualify McCain from being our President.

And while we are talking about McCain, what's the deal with his calling off the debate and shutting down his campaign? Can you say panic? Obama is right - Presidents need to be able to multi-task. The truth is that McCain realized he knew nothing about economics (other than helping to cover up failed savings and loans) and knew he was over matched in the debate, and ducked it. Is this the guy we need and want as our President? Is this the sort of guy who'll be able to make reasoned and reasonable decisions? Is this the guy we want in charge of our armed forces and nuclear arsenals? In a word (or 3): NOT A CHANCE.

To close this little rant, I thought I'd steal something that Mr. Adams shared with me. David Letterman's views on Sen. McCain - who lied to him as well saying he couldn't do his show because he had to rush off to Washington to "save" the country:

Fun with NFL Sportscasters

2008-09-22T14:40:00.002-04:00

If you are like me, you like nothing more than when ex-jocks and "professional" sportscasters put their feet in their mouths or when these allegedly affable types show their true nasty colors when none of us are looking or when they exhibit holier than thou attitudes. Here is a selection of some of my favorites beginning with Dan "Better Switch to De-Caf" Marino:

The there's our favorite non-word"Smith," Emmitt "Gotta Love that University of Florida Education" Smith:

Here's our friend Joe "Holier Than Thou, I'll Never Be Half as Good as My Father" Buck, making himself look ridiculous by making something out of absolutely NOTHING:

Here's a two-for: The ever obnoxious Jim Rome and the overreacting, lunatic Jim "Cris" Everett:

Or, how about fake Mr. Nice Guy, Chris "I'm really an asshole" Berman - how'd you like to work with that complete tool?

The Most Popular Governor? All Women Love Her? NOT!

2008-09-19T12:35:00.019-04:00

From the moment of the announcement, the talking heads have characterized Sarah Palin as the "most popular governor in the United States" and as someone who will poach the votes of women who feel disenfranchised by the absence of Hillary Clinton from the Obama ticket. Since the Republicans keep making these points over and over again, I guess they were unaware of what the women of Alaska - who know her best - really think of McCain's choice of running mates. Recently, at the largest political rally in the history of the State of Alaska (of which we've heard not a peep from the right), the women of Alaska made their feelings known. They don't like Sarah Palin at all. Check it out:

Sal and Richard prank CNN

2008-09-17T12:56:00.003-04:00

I love a good prank--only wish they could have gotten a little more airtime. Good try by the anchor to sweep it under the rug.

Someone wrote me an email message that we're not writing enough articles in the last week. (A) Eat me. (B) Coming soon.

DeSean Jackson, idiotX2

2008-09-16T20:51:00.004-04:00

If you're a football fan, you've probably seen this moronic play by the Eagles' DeSean Jackson.

As much of a buttnugget play as that was, at least it's a lesson you only have to learn once...or maybe in his case, twice.

Of course, no early-celebrated TD discussion can occur without a visit to Leon Lett, celebrating as he scores the TD to put the Cowboys up by 40+ over the Bills in the Superbowl, a video surprisingly absent from Youtube.

Swimman, the underwater iPod

2008-09-14T01:38:00.002-04:00

If you're like me, you're a fit middle-aged man whose body is breaking down, have a daughter, been married for 13 years, had sex with one person (not for stupid religious reasons but just because you couldn't get laid), and you think swimming laps is boring as hell. Well, if that describes you and I know it does, you should try the Swimman iPod.

For about 250 smackers, you get a second generation iPod and some Borg-like headphones that allow you to "reach down, between my legs, 'n ease the seat back..." in the pool.

The only downside for me is getting the headphones properly set in my ear. If there's water in your ear, the music cuts out. So you gotta get the earpiece in there just right and then remember not to knock it once it's working.

The Hoff: Jump in My Car

2008-09-13T03:28:00.001-04:00

This guy, my doppelganger according to me, is an ess tee yu dee.

Classic Sound Bites - Part I

2008-09-12T09:38:00.012-04:00

Thought I'd add two new feature to the blog - Classic Sound Bites and Star Trek Trivia. In this week's addition of Classic Sound Bites, playing on Mr. Adams' Star Trek theme, here's proof of Mr. Spock's and Captain Kirk's secret sexual relationship - boy must Lt. Sulu (George Takai) have been jealous.

As for Star Trek trivia, I'll start out ridiculously easy with the second easiest question (Mr. Adams shockingly missed the first): What does the "T" stand for in James T. Kirk. A pat on the back to the first correct answer.

Beam me up, Scotty. [sic?] (Arlo Guthrie style)

2008-09-10T19:32:00.015-04:00

Did you know the NY Times crossword gets harder every day of the week? I'm a Tuesday guy. It's probably the SAT equivalent of 1000. Not in the Friday 1300 range, but not so retarded that I cant get a Monday 700. So today, I was bonerized when I wiped out the Wednesday puzzle in about 20 minutes. I was all, "Man, I am the shit. My brain is growing like a motherfucker. 1000mg more fish oil every day and I'll be able to debate whether we're going to blow up the world with that Collider thingy."

(I KNOW the world isn't ending. The world will end like this: The Bills will be in the Superbowl. Right as the game-winning time-expiring FG is sailing towards the middle of the uprights, that black hole thing will happen, sucking the ball away from the uprights. They say the black hole will be instant earth-destruction. I don't buy it. I'll have a good day of suffering over the "near SB win" before the black hole eats me. So be cool. The earliest the end of the world will happen is February. *I stole the end of the world thing from some Internet Chat board jerkoff.)

One clue bothered me (Remember the NY Times Crossword discussion I started 8 sentences ago?): "Command Kirk never gave." Of course, I immediately knew it was Captain James T. Kirk. Let the Friday 1300 SAT motherfuckers think about the Scottish word for Church. And the Monday failing 700 SAT morons recall Kirk Cameron.

(Speaking of morons, Kirk is a batshit crazy religious cuckoo bird.

I remember him, of course, from Growing Pains.

...Another DiCaprio cameo)

(People say I look like Kirk Cameron. And Wally Cleaver. And David Hasselhoff. Even Christopher Reeve. They are all mental.

) <--for proper grammar. To use one of my top 5 most hated words, "anywho," I thought, doing the NY Times Crossword puzzle on Wednesday the day I can't usually solve, what is it Kirk never says?

"I refuse to fuck alien chicks." True, my cocksman JT would never say that but it didn't fit.
"Spock, when you mind-melded me, did you see my secret man-lust for Sulu?" Nuh uh.

So what is it? What? I kicked ass on all the down clues and eventually saw the answer was "Beam me up, Scotty."

What. in. the. fuck?
Fuck. in. the. what!

That Rico Suave (

)

pimp

(

) never said it. There's even a Wiki entry on it.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant.

Joe Biden, open mouth, insert foot

2008-09-10T11:24:00.004-04:00

Joe's lines are not getting as much coverage as Obama's "lipstick on a pig." This one is pretty good though.

Chuck is wheelchair-bound.

Tom Brady's knee; How's that for Karma bitch?

2008-09-08T12:53:00.005-04:00

Remember last season, when the Patriots were up 42-7 against the Bills in the fourth quarter? And Brady threw on a 4th and 1, not just going for it in a meaningless game but rubbing in an obvious win?

Me too. Fuck you you stupid cunt.

Republican Hypocrisy at its Finest

2008-09-06T15:55:00.006-04:00

For anyone following the Republican "defense" of McCain's ridiculous pick of the unknown (even to him), utterly inexperienced, ultra-right wing, under-educated, hockey mom for Vice President, it is a study in complete and utter hypocrisy. Consider the evidence presented quite nicely by John Stewart:

The Greatest Political Scandal Ever?

2008-09-03T09:16:00.003-04:00

This morning, my dear colleague, Mr. Adams, passed on the following column in yesterday's Philadelphia Daily News - http://www.philly.com/dailynews/features/27755734.html - in which Howard Gensler laid out the intriguing case that Bristol Palin might actually be the mother of Trig Palin (as opposed to Bristol's mom - Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin). In passing along the column, Mr. Adams quipped that, if true, this would be the greatest political scandal ever. While I agree that, if true, Bristol-gate would be among the greatest political scandals ever, I wonder it if could even crack my informal top 12 that I thought of while trudging into work. What do you think?

No. 12: The Congressional page sex scandal of 1983. where Congressman Gerry Studds (no pun intended) admitted to having had sexual relationship with a young male page.

No. 11: The Resignation of Nixon Vice President Spiro Agnew in 1973. Forget Vice Presidential nominees, in this scandal, a sitting Vice President was convicted of crimes stemming from his acceptance of bribes while Governor of Maryland and Vice President and was forced to resign.

No. 10: Abscam. Remember that one folks? In Abscam, U.S. Sen. Harrison Williams (D. NJ) and five members of congress were convicted of taking bribes from an undercover operative posing as a representative of some Arab sheikh.

No. 9: The Impeachment of President Johnson. While this took place fifty years after Mr. Adams' death (and over 140 years ago), it is notable that but for a mere one vote in the U.S. Senate, President Johnson would have been the only President declared guilty after having been impeached by the House.

No. 8: The Teapot Dome Scandal of 1923. While this sounds like small potatoes today, in 1923 this was BIG news. In the scandal, the Secretary of the Interior was convicted for taking kickbacks in secretly leasing a government oil field to a private individual.

No. 7: The Keating Five. Who can forget this one which involved Presidential candidate John McCain himself? You remember, in this scandal, a group of five Senators were accused of using improper influence to interfere with an investigation into a failed Savings and Loan. While Sen. Alan Cranston and two others were found to have acted improperly, Teflon McCain was simply found to have exercised "bad judgment." Sound familiar?

No. 6: McCarthyism. While not a "scandal" per se, McCarthy's witch hunts were certainly scandalous and deserve a spot in this list.

No. 5: Burr v. Hamilton. This one really should top the list, but is No. 5 only because it happened 200 years ago. In this one, the sitting Vice President of the U.S., Aaron Burr, shot and killed Alexander Hamilton, a founding father and former Secretary of the Treasury under George Washington, in a duel! Burr was later acquitted of murder charges and later charges of treason (stemming from a later land grab involving the Louisiana Purchase and other misdeeds in Mexico). Burr is also rumoured to be the illegitimate father of President Martin Van Buren! Talk about Teflon!

No. 4: Chappaquiddick. Surely Sen. Teddy Kennedy's complicity in the drowning death of his "secretary" Mary Jo Kopechne would trump a cover up the true maternity of Tripp Palin?

No. 3: Iran Contra. Who can forget this one? The old arms for hostages scandal in which front man Oliver North had convenient memory issues and in which "W"'s father shielded Reagan from exposure. Methinks the son would of dimed out the Old Man.

No. 2: Clinton - Lewinsky. We all know the story. Married President meets homely intern, gets her to play with his cigar, commits perjury by lying about it under oath, nearly gets convicted following impeachment, does get disbarred, but manages to increase his approval ratings in the process. Talk about a slick move, Willy.

No. 1: Watergate. The winner and still champion. Nuff said.

Never Underestimate the Stupidity of Americans

2008-09-01T12:28:00.008-04:00

Some wise man once said that "No one has ever gone broke by underestimating the stupidity of the masses." Those are words that John McCain must live by as evidenced by his absurd pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate. When the pick was announced - as no fan of McCain - I was gleeful. By making that pick, I thought he had sealed his fate - he had gifted the election to Obama. After all, she is a nobody, from the middle of nowhere, with no national political experience, with limited education, with no advanced degree, with no professional work experience, and hails from a "state" that is closer to the Arctic Circle and Siberia than it is to mainland America. Heck, McCain doesn't even know really this woman, having apparently only met her twice before making the most important decision of the campaign (we lawyers call that grossly reckless conduct). And most importantly, I was sure that American women would be insulted by this pick, transparently aimed to fill the void caused by Hillary Clinton's exit from the race.

Well, it seems that I might have been wrong again (after all I thought Al Gore trounced "W" in every debate) and that McCain might have been right not to overestimate the intelligence and sensibilities of American women. You see, folks, this weekend I was confronted by three otherwise intelligent, college-educated women who liked McCain's pick - or at least were prepared to defend it. Two were smarting by Obama's decision to exclude Hillary (and her baggage) from the ticket. Another thought that her presence on the ticket would limit McCain's misogynistic tendencies (I kid you not). And all three said that Palin is no less inexperienced as Barack Obama and Bill Clinton (when he first ran for President) - an idiotic thing to say. Let's see:

Bill Clinton was a six-term governor of Arkansas and chair of the National Board of governors. He went to Georgetown undergrad and Yale law school and spent some time at Oxford. He was very much involved in national politics for years before he ran for President.

Barack Obama went to Columbia undergrad and was President of Harvard Law Review. He served over seven years in the Illinois Senate (the 5th largest state), taught constitutional law at University of Chicago Law School for 12 years, and has been a US Senator for the past 4 years - not to mention being a best selling author.

In contrast, Sarah Palin was runner up in the Ms. Alaska pageant and parleyed that success into a semester Hawaii Pacific College, a year at North Idaho College, and then ultimately a communication's degree at the prestigious University of Idaho. She then worked as fisherman with her husband before hitting the the big time with two terms on the Wasilla, Alaska (a town of 7,000) town council, followed by two terms as its Mayor (her mother-in-law lost in a bid to hold onto that job). And for the past 18 months she has served as governor of Alaska (population - 600,000) whose total population would scarcely put it among the top 20 U.S. cities, juggernauts such as Columbus, OH, Fort Worth, TX, San Jose, CA, and Jacksonville, FL surpass it in the population department. In other words, Palin has no advanced degree, never worked in a professional capacity, has never worked or appeared on the national political stage, and, shockingly, doesn't even know what the Vice President of the United States does:

And perhaps most importantly of all, she sounds like she fell out of the cast of the movie Fargo. Can you imagine being forced to endure that accent for four years?

A Doofus

2008-08-26T09:17:00.001-04:00

Webster defines a "doofus" as an inept or inane person. The OED strangely does not define the word at all. From the picture speaks a thousand words department, I define "doofus" thusly:

- Watch more free videos

Follow-up on the Rick Suhr story

2008-08-25T07:10:00.000-04:00

Jenn Stuczynski defends her coach. I still think he was out of line but maybe she is OK with it.

Stuczynski says Suhr did only what she expects him to do. "What he said to me is nothing that made me sad," she says. "I'm a 26-year-old professional athlete. I ask him to be fair coach. I don't ask him to be a cheerleader. I want you to tell me when I jump good, and I want you to tell me when I jump bad` I think a lot of people don't understand that this is my job. This is what I do for a living, and I have to be good at it, and I have to get better at it. And we celebrated it. But at that moment, I wanted to know why I didn't make that bar."

When the Internet storm erupted, Stuczynski felt powerless, and a little hopeless. She says Suhr has received countless angry emails from people who think they're protecting her. Meanwhile, her family and her coach's family have heard comments about whether the coach went too far, and wondering why Stuczynski is putting up with a guy who couldn't even say congratulations.

But she, her coach and her parents went out to dinner after the competition and celebrated. "And people don't hear the things he says leading up to the meet, or the texts he sent me all week saying, We can do this, you know? That's what's so frustrating."

The entire story.

Goblin Shark (AKA more freaky things from Japan)

2008-08-20T13:34:00.004-04:00

Someone once compiled a list of crazy shit Japan's been bringing us since the 1950s. They all pale compared to the goblin shark. Jump to 21 seconds of this video to see the freakshow.

Olympic Observations

2008-08-20T10:52:00.017-04:00

Enough already about Michael Phelps, let's talk about some things that really matter about the Olympics beginning with Bob Costas's hair - or, more accurately - his lack thereof. Who does Bob Costas think he's fooling? That rug he's sporting is the worst I've seen on a sportscaster since Howard Cosell - who had least had the guts to admit that he sported a toup. C'mon Bob, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou-Voice-For-All-That-Is-Good-And-Noble-In Sports, be a man and step up and show that dome.

Of course, old-Bob's been sporting a toup since we've known him. Check out this classic photo from the 1980s:

Is it just me or do these Olympic venues seem less crowded than an Atlanta Braves home game? I watched the final gymnastics events last night and the arena looked less than half full. Can't Chairman Mao (or whatever dictator runs the place now) round up some seat fillers?

While we are talking about gymnastics, how did the Chinese get away with populating its "women's" team with 12 and 13 year old girls? Not only can anyone with their eyes open conclusively tell that they are nowhere near 16, but the Chinese government's own news service had reported nine months prior to the games (and the government has since caused the report to be removed) that one of the key team members was only 13 years old. http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/olympics/2008/08/14/underage.gymnasts/index.html

But perhaps I'm nuts, these girls are clearly heading off to college in a couple of years...not.

Sticking with gymnastics for a minute, how about the sham scoring that has been rigged to award the Chinese the maximum number of metals at the expense of the American team? Anyone see the women's vaulting competition? I'm no expert, but there's no way that Cheng Fei (who fell during her second vault) could possibly beat poor Alicia Sacramone (who had two solid vaults) out of the bronze (the judges had no problem, by the way, properly penalizing the American's for Alicia's two falls during the team competition). For that matter, there is no way that Zou Kai actually beat American Jonathan Horton - who had three massive release moves - on the high bar - but Kai got the gold, somehow (wink, wink).

While I am not complaining, why is it that the "uniforms" for women's beach volleyball (a really cool sport, by the way) are bikinis, whereas the men manage to play perfectly well in shorts and tank tops? I thought the Olympics were supposed to be above such things?

Finally, here is a short clip of some folks who did not quite make this year's Olympic field.

Rick Suhr, Pole Vault Coach

2008-08-20T07:01:00.004-04:00

Ouch, this coach is some new kind of jerkoff. I've seen plenty of coaches who rode players but when Jenn Stuczynski won silver medal to the world record holder, he owed her some love.

Here's the link. Unfortunately, NBC is watching youtube like a hawk so you have to watch a commercial and may have to install the gay "Silverlight" viewer. If you don't want to watch it, you can just watch this--you'll get the idea.

The value of a college degree

2008-08-17T09:02:00.004-04:00

If you've got teenage children, avert your eyes. If you're paying for a college education right now, skip this post. If you're in the process of paying off student loans (like Abigail and me), here's a how-to page just for you. After much reflection, I've reached a conclusion best-articulated in a Wall Street Journal Editorial this week: College is bullshit. You'll need a subscription to view the whole thing but I'll book report it for you.

Charles Murray sums up his Opinion nicely:
First, we will set up a single goal to represent educational success, which will take four years to achieve no matter what is being taught. We will attach an economic reward to it that seldom has anything to do with what has been learned. We will urge large numbers of people who do not possess adequate ability to try to achieve the goal, wait until they have spent a lot of time and money, and then deny it to them. We will stigmatize everyone who doesn't meet the goal. We will call the goal a "BA."
Instead of just leveling a criticism of the uselessness of the BA, 2/3s of which fall into the categories "criminal justice, social work, public administration and the many separate majors under the headings of business, computer science and education," he proposes a solution: competency exams. He uses the CPA exam as the model. It's a 14 hour exam that comprehensively covers a range of topics, insuring that the person passing it has some measure of expertise in the subject.

It's a good thought. As a member of the legal profession, I'm certain I could have passed the Bar after a year of law classes, and would not have needed any of my undergraduate classes. Not only could I have saved money, I would not have wasted time in loads of shit classes. (I was an engineering undergrad, and even in the sciences, I had lots of useless classes.)

I would only append to Mr. Murray's proposition an apprenticeship model. The competency exam measures a person's capacity to do a job; the apprenticeship measures their desire to do it (ever met a lawyer who likes their job? Me either; maybe an apprenticeship would weed the profession.). The average college BA measures neither of these.

PS. Here's a related speech about the state of education and how it kills creativity, by Ken Robinson.

Scientology and New York

2008-08-14T10:13:00.003-04:00

I saw Phantom of the Opera last weekend in NY. My viewing included a visit backstage with Jennifer Hope Willis, who was wonderful with my 6 year old daughter Nabby. The costume bossman even dressed us in a few of the costumes: yours truly wore the Phantom mask!

While walking around near Broadway, we passed the NYC Scientology center, which is across the street from a few theaters. A guy in the "V" mask was standing on the street telling people that they were wasting their money and that true happiness could be found over at the Scientology center.

Whenever I have a brush with Scientology, I feel the need to revisit Tom Cruise's recruitment video. (This makes my body Thetans happy. Yes, I am an SP.)

PS. 3 Across in NY Times today: "Fingered, briefly." If this was a Jeopardy clue, the answer/question would be, "What does Don Draper do to the comic's wife at dinner in this week's Mad Men?"

NY Times comment: Whatever Girls

2008-08-13T13:11:00.010-04:00

The Whatever Girls (Sirius 112, 5-7pm) star in a Brooks Barnes NY Times "article" about their new TV show, Whatever, Martha. So I guess it's pretty fucking cool to be in the NY Times. Still, this isn't what I expect from a top-notch paper. The "article" has one piece of information: the girls are doing a Mystery Science Theater mockery of the Martha Stewart show. (Really, who hasn't done this in their living room, so the show just might work. I'm cool because I'm goofing on Martha and I can surreptitiously pick up some of Martha's wisdom while my buddies aren't watching. Bonus.)

Back to the "article." It doesn't describe the show. It doesn't comment on whether it's good. It doesn't visit any examples of the Alexis Stewart's or Jennifer Koppelman Hutt's (Hutt with husband Keith at right) snide comments. And how about this quote describing funny?

“In one episode, Martha is showing people how to properly whittle a twig to roast a marshmallow,” said Ms. Koppelman Hutt. “That is screamingly funny. The woman is actually whittling a twig. I mean, who does that?”

That's a kick in the balls of my funny bone. You "show" funny. You don't "tell" it. C'mon dude: Give an example of funny. Or lambaste the girls for being the products of (necrophilia, narcissism...what's the word...it's an "N" word...engage brain, ah, got it) nepotism. But please, at least make something of the piece. This is worse than bad press; it's dull-as-shit press.

A good seatmate

2008-08-05T12:56:00.006-04:00

We've all played seatmate Roulette. You're sitting on the bus/train/plane with an empty seat next to you. As people pile on, you place your hopes on the fit brunette joining you, only to have her pass you by for the homeless guy who snuck on the train. With that scenario in mind, I've developed Adams's Hierarchy of Seatmate Needs (with all due credit to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs).

Essential Needs.

- Smell. A seatmate must not smell. B.O. is awful. Doody smell is so much worse. But ladies (and select men), perfume is nearly as bad. If my seatmate smells, I'm outta here.

- Weight. I'm 6-2, 185 lbs. Think Barack Obama build. So unfortunately, I offer a lot of space for a potential seatmate. And like a law of physics, an overweight person ALWAYS feels the need to fill this available space. Meaning, they fill their designated area, and a few rolls overlap into mine...and onto my leg...and into my lap. Ick. If you can't fit in your own space, stand the eff up. You need the exercise and I don't need to be covered by your warm jiggliness. (Note to self: do not Google Image "fat ass" ever again.)

Important Needs.

- Shut. The. Fuck. Up. That one's simple. Read a goddamn book or magazine (not a rattling all in-my-face newspaper). Go to sleep. DO NOT EVER FUCKING TALK TO ME.

- Be still. Don't reach in your bag 10x. Don't bounce your nervous leg. Stop twitching unless you're on cocaine.

- Childless. I love kids, I do. But drive them to your destination. Not because I don't like your kids. It's because I don't like your parenting.

Not Essential Needs (The cherry on top).

- Attractive member of opposite sex. Yeah, like she's going to sit next to me. Forget that. Just be thin and don't smell and I'll be pretty goddamn happy.

Wacky Will Shortz

2008-08-04T08:39:00.002-04:00

52 across in the NY Times crossword today: _____ Lingus.

(Cue Beavis and Butthead laughs.)

Scrabble Beta on Facebook

2008-07-30T08:52:00.003-04:00

L (30%) ................................................

Good day for the Bills, Bad day for Scrabulous, Ugly day for the NY Times Crossword

2008-07-29T11:11:00.008-04:00

My posts have been all over the place and this is no different but I'll create a theme.

The good. Oh just look at James Hardy, the Bills #2 draft pick. He's 6'6" with great leaping ability. Looks like a massive improvement over the Bills' Smurfy receivers. Sure he's a rookie but I look to him to convert some 3rd downs and improve the anemic red zone offense.

The bad. Looks like the end for Scrabulous, the illegitimate Facebook Scrabble application. Too bad, because the legit Scrabble application on Facebook sucks cock and now it's even slower!

The ugly. The NYT Crossword today had the hint "All My Children vixen." I got "Erica" eventually by filling in other clues. But umm...vixen?

New iPhone, Sixers, Scrabble vs Scrabulous

2008-07-25T14:05:00.010-04:00

Nabby asks, "Daddy, why are they called the Sixers but every shirt is numbered with a 3?"

Scrabble/Mattel/Hasbro sued Scrabulous. Too bad, because the Scrabble BETA on Facebook is a terrible application. It takes too long to load and play moves. All the graphics, shiny stars, and noises are unnecessary (it's like what would happen if the creators of Sonic the Hedgehog created a version of Tic-Tac-Toe). Scrabble is simple. Make a simple game that just plain works. (Scrabble vs. Scrabulous below.)

Here's my memo to the Scrabble creators. Learn a lesson from the Mac people: simple is better. Less buttons and bells/whistles >>>>more buttons and shiny gadgets.

Yeah, I have an iPhone like 8 million other people. And I'm gonna ifuck you up imotherfucker!

Kid Rock PSA to all music thieves

2008-07-22T08:59:00.002-04:00

Heard this Public Service Announcement on Howard Stern this morning. Way to go Kid Rock--It's hard to speak sense to the thieves of music and movies. At least he's trying.

Creationism debunked

2008-07-21T12:19:00.006-04:00

Today in 1925, the Scopes Monkey trial concluded. If you don't know what that is, I don't care.

The timing of this very important 83rd anniversary of the completion of the Scopes trial coincides with a conversation with my 6-year old daughter Nabby on Saturday. We were driving by this statue at 17th and Vine in Philadelphia.
Nabby: "Dad, what is that?"

Me: "That shows a story of how god made man. He sculpted the body from the earth and shaped it some. Then god breathed life into it. In the last part of the statue, man emerges from the earth. Some people say that's how god created humans."

Nabby (indignant): "I don't believe that."

(Abigail and I laughingly revel in our good parenting.)

It's "Time for Some Campaignin'"

2008-07-17T10:25:00.004-04:00

The guys at JiBJab did it again. Another election year hit. Enjoy "It's Time for Some Campaignin'."

Time for Some Campaignin' | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Howard Stern Hypocrisy Watch: Part 2

2008-07-16T09:22:00.000-04:00

I don't know about you, but I am sick to death of the King of Some Media's excuses for working four-fifths of the time and taking off an additional 10 weeks. We heard them all folks, haven't we? It's tough getting up at 4 a.m. day in and day out. It's very difficult to be entertaining five hours a day, every day. We get to listen to all sorts of fantastic programming when he's away - Bubba (a second rate hack who couldn't cut it in a tiny market (Tampa) or in D-list syndication (with the likes of Shreveport, Ft. Myers, Macon, Wichita, Hartford, and Jacksonville); Ferrall (perhaps the worst and most annoying sports talk host in world history); Jackie's Joke Hunt (the most unlistenable show of all time); endless of repeats of classic bits and documentaries (with an emphasis on the word "endless"); the Super Fan Round Table (run by a moron named Mutt), etc.

And then there's my favorite. When accosted by fans on the air (most recently by a long-haul truck driver), Howard asks the fans why they don't work on Sundays - one of their days off. That bogus excuse really burns this listener up. Let's take a closer look at Howie's argument using the example of the truck driver caller.

First of all, it is a non-sequitur. The argument would only be valid if the driver didn't already put in a 5-day work week and, of course, I'm sure the driver puts in more than a 5-hour work day.

That said, let's move on to some fun math. There are 52 weeks a year and 260 work days per year. Howard has 10 weeks vacation plus 42 other Friday's off, which means that he works a mere a 168 days per year (64 percent of the time). If you factor in that the man works about 40 percent less in a given day than the average American worker (and about 80 percent less than the average long-haul truck driver), then Howard manages a mere 102 work days per year which is about 39 percent that most of us put in at work.

Now for some more frightening math. Howard is paid about $100 million dollars per year to put on his program and to run his two stations. Not counting the money he makes charging (read: stealing from) us to watch Howard TV and the additional $100 million bonus he earned from Sirius, let's assume that it costs Howard $50 million to operate both Howard 100 and Howard 101 (including salaries) - and that number is extraordinarily high (probably 2 to 3x too high) - that leaves Howard with a mere $50 million per year income. And that means that he earns about $300,000 for each of the 168 shows that he puts on per year, or $500,000 per 8 hour work day, or $60,000 per hour he is on the air.

To put that into perspective, Howard makes twice that of the highest paid player in baseball history, Alex Rodriguez, who earns $26 million for his 162-day "work" year. Each hour that Howard is on the air, he earns:

a) More than 50 percent of the households in America do each year (per the U.S. Census - median household income is $46,000 per year).

b) More than the average school teacher makes per year ($47,000)

c) A little less than half that your family doctor earns ($144,000)

d) More than the average electrical engineer makes ($52,000)

e) About the same as a registered nurse ($58,000)

f) 50 percent more than the average accountant ($40,000)

g) More than the average professional enlisted man ($33,000 - $87,000) and

h) About double the pay for the average long-haul truck driver ($36,000).

So for Howard to dare to even compare his situation to any of his listeners (a caviar to oranges comparison), much less a long-haul truck driver (who works many, many more hours that he does) is the height of hypocrisy and down right outrageous. But don't get me wrong. I am not saying that Howard shouldn't take all that dough. We all would if we could. I am simply saying that he has no business complaining about anything, much less the hours that he works.

"I am here for you."

2008-07-15T12:30:00.009-04:00

On my second favorite talk radio show, Whatever on Sirius 112...

Wait. Let's put together the list. My favorite talk radio shows.

1. Stern
2. Whatever
...big drop to...
3. Fresh Air
4. Car Talk

Back to topic, one of the hosts of the show lost her mother to cancer last week. No. That's shit. She didn't lose her. That's so mealy-mouthed. Sounds like someone gave her mom bad directions. "Goddammit. I took a left at Common Cold and ended up here lost to Cancer. Sonofabitch." And so.

People are calling up to offer condolences on the show saying "I'm so sorry. So, so, so , so sorry." What the fuck do you say to that? I mean, Jennifer is gracious and says, "Thanks." In similar situations, I generally say thanks too, and internally think, "You're exhausting me. Go away."

Other callers--keep in mind these are pretty much strangers--say, "I am here for you." Part of me wants Jennifer to say, "Cool. Stay home from work tomorrow and make my kids food, do my laundry, vacuum, take the car for an oil change, pay my bills, etc." These strangers are "there for her" in those 3o seconds of call time.

How can you really be there for someone's who's lost a close relative? See the above list and treat it like a "to do." If you're a stranger, the best thing to do is remember the deceased person's life with the grieving family. Finish this sentence, "You know what I'll never forget about [name], when she [insert touching anecdote]."

You know what I'll never forget about Bunny Koppelman? One day, Alexis Stewart was taking a few shots at Bunny on the air and Bunny called in to say that Alexis reminded her of Martha...a pinpoint hit on Alexis's psychotic-reaction button. Bunny was a sharp lady and even though we never met, I'll miss her.

Gift-giving Moratorium Contract

2008-07-07T17:18:00.003-04:00

On July 7, 2008, John Adams ("ME") and ALL OF YOU FUCKERS ("YOU FUCKERS"), in order to avoid such gifts as Anchorage T-shirts (never been there), fancy pens (that I'll lose or never use), books that I've already read, and Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired bookends, do hereby agree to the following terms.

(1) YOU FUCKERS are absolved from ever giving me a GIFT, herein defined as shitty shit ME wouldn't shit out my shitter. The occasion does not matter. Birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. are all and forever Non-GIFT-giving holidays, which are defined herein as holidays for which you never have to give ME a GIFT. Ever. Never. Stop it. No exceptions. Even parents are barred. Especially parents are barred. Yes parents, you are YOU FUCKERS. Remember the evangelical book trying to convince me to believe in Jesus H? Aaaaaack. No more.

(2) ME am exempt from giving YOU FUCKERS a gift, (small "G" because it's probably not shitty shit ME wouldn't shit out my shitter) on all occasions as well. If YOU FUCKERS violate clause 1, expect nothing in return except for the GIFT that YOU FUCKERS gave ME. ME will from this day forward be a regifter, defined herein as someone who doesn't give a fuck if YOU FUCKERS know that ME hate YOU FUCKERS for giving ME a GIFT.

(3) If YOU FUCKERS insist on violating clause 1, and will refuse a regifted GIFT, you must abide by the following: YOU FUCKERS must only give me the gift-of-cash. Cash is King. ME won't regift cash to YOU FUCKERS. Give it up. Not a GIFT card. Cold hard cash. That's not a bad gift. If YOU FUCKERS give me cash, expect nothing in return becasue it's still annoying to get any gift as it creates no obligation even though it feels like it does.

/John Adams/
John Adams

/You Fuckers/
YOU FUCKERS