Bravo to Mr. Adams for some great posts. I, unfortunately, do not have his kind of time, but I do have a couple of cents I'd like to toss into the ring. What the hell is with Simon and his white undershirts?
The guy makes a $36 million salary for Idol for about 45 hours work. Doing the math, that's $800,000/hour - which is, by the way, over 12 times Howard Stern's hourly rate of $60,000. (Howard earns $50 million per year/168 shows = $300,000 per show or $60,000 per hour). So, certainly Simon can afford to shell out the $50 that Brooks Brothers charges for plain white tees or the $20 that L.L. Bean charges? So why, oh why, does Simon toss on Fruit of the Loom and parade himself on national tv? The guy must by Scottish.
The show opened with a Ryan Seacrest yuckfest. At this point in the blog's history, I've called Ryan every Roget's synonym of tool and Antichrist there is. It's time to concede defeat: He's stronger than me. Ryan Seacrest is the bestest.
Mississippi Jasmine. "Love Song." I feel sympathetic to the young kids until they've been around a few weeks and then I get more comfortable about bashing them. This poor girl had some issues staying in tune, especially early. Her stunning stage presence did nothing to overcome her rough voice. See ya later wide-set-apart eyes.
Piano guy who's not blind and without piano. "Viva la Vida." I remember this guy from the auditions and he's got a solid voice. This Coldplay shit sucks dick though. Too bad he couldn't copy the original Satriani version.
The dude's vibrato-ing every third note to remind everyone that he can actually sing (unlike the Coldplay dumbass) and it's not working. His movements are Mr. Roboto-like. Via con Dios buddy. I could not hate Kara more. She's got her "dog" knee jerk line already established; "Not the right song choice." Coldplay is never the right song choice.
Leggy bartender. "The Love."This woman is walking a fine line between being hot and being a man. Either way, her singing is holy-shit awfulness. I hope this isn't another night where the backup singers add to the pain but so far, they are. Part way through her medcine from the judges, she starts begging, which removes any chance of her being "hot."
Nelson/Neil the headband gay guy. "Who the fuck cares?" He's Liberace minus the talent. Richard Simmons minus the novelty.
You know how in the underrated movie Multiplicity, Michael Keaton keeps making copies of himself and each one is a little worse than the original, until he comes up with the version of himself who inexplicably calls everyone "Steve?" Well, this guy is the queen version of that crappy copy.
Teen vampire girl. "Alone." If Whitney Houston taught me anything, and she's taught me a lot, she taught me this: Vacuous people can be great singers. Saving her awful red hair for a future post, she CRUSHED a hard song to sing. With the exception of a few singers, she actually went for it and nailed it. And thanks to Paula for breaking out the "You can sing the phone book line," which I thought was reserved for Randy. Best woman of the night.
Archuletta conehead haircut guy. "Man in the Mirror." I don't get this guy but the judges seemed to like him and his lack of ambition is something women seem to like in a singer. He did nothing interesting or original with a boring King of Pop song. Michael Jackson can sing this because he's a god. This guy can't sing it because he blows. Considering how bad the night was up to this point, I'm just happy he's on key.
Tatooed mommy. "Put your records on." Pregnant? My wife says her dress's waist is called an Empire waist. Okie dokie. I call it fugly waist, which along with her flat shoes and giant tat all detract from a strikingly pretty woman. Her shoulder-shake dance move is neither sexy nor appealing. Hmm. A lot of comment on appearance but she sang really well. She has a great voice and considering how shitty the performances are tonight, she might move on.
Matt the Welder. "If you could only see." My man is awkward but he has a nice voice. Hard not to like him but he's not remarkable in any way. Randy's "Dog" = Kara's "Poor song choice."
Jessie the mom. "Betty Davis Eyes." Some part of my youth was misspent converting this song to "Betty Davis Thighs."
She'll put her head in your lap You can feel free to cum twice You won't have to work hard Cum on Betty Davis's thighs.
It ain't right but it was just about as good as this nasally breathy performance. She got better by the end but doesn't deserve to move on. Does Paula have a minnow on her finger? And what the fuck does "too cool for school" mean to Simon? I do not think that means what he thinks that means.
Kai Kalama MELE KALIKIMAKA....
"What becomes of the broken hearted?" This dude boomed out the vocals and wasn't awful but also like Simon said: Kind of forgettable.
Mishavonna 18 year old. "Tell me." Oops, I guess it's called "Tears of Jupiter." Fuck you judges. This girl did really well. I completely disagree with the criticisms--it's a somewhat serious song and she sang it appropriately. Second best of the night for the women (who are slaying the men tonight.)
Mic Jagger. "Satisfaction." He's got Mic's Elvis lip, spastic thing down but fuck if this dude doesn't vocally blow this song out.
This guy actually went for it and showed his range. Best man of the night and should easily advance. One of 4 entertaining performances of the night.
"We can rebuild." That's the headline this morning after Obama gave the State of the Union Address. If you grew up in the 70s, you had to have thought about this: Better, stronger, faster.
I recently started using the iPhone application called Lose it! It's the first time I've ever counted both my food and exercise calories in my life. Holy shit is that eye-opening.
Lose It! draws on a massive food database (stored somewhere on the Web) and remembers the foods you eat for easy retreival. For example, I have 1 of 3 breakfasts most days. A protein shake (all the ingredients are now in as a custom recipe); 2 eggs, a piece of toast and a cup of OJ; or a bowl of Life cereal with milk. Lose It! remembers those meals so I only have to enter them one time and then they are available for future retrieval. If I have a second helping of Life, I can just up the serving quantity. (One of my parentheticals here--I am glad Mikey's cuteness stands the test of time:
.) (Do you think I need a period after the video--I need Bryan Garner's view.)
Continuing this review, Lose It!'s database tracks calories and nutrients against goals you set (Lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks, weight maintain, etc.). I was shocked that in a normal week, 35% of my diet was fat calories--and by all measures, people would find me to be a healthy guy. Now that I'm conscious of it, my fat intake is down to 15%. Seems like that has to be good.
Lose It! also tracks your calorie burning. Like its food database, it has a thorough exercise database that even includes things like curling,
(134 calories for 30 minutes) and sexual activity (at different levels: passive-light kissing; general/moderate (13 calories for 30 minutes); and active/vigorous, ie, giving it/riding hard).
So it's a fun app to have and is helping me shed some pounds but now I'm some sort of calorie-counting fuckwad and won't eat any food without a label or without consulting this goddamn program. Which is a good thing, and judging by this, America needs to buy this program.
