American Idol Review, Semifinals March 3, 2008

A note for the regular reader. (Who am I kidding?) Fox has a lockdown this year on videos of the performances and is taking them off Youtube as fast as infringers put them up so I can't embed videos. On the Idol website, they put the videos up but it takes them a few days and they don't allow embedding either. I will start putting links to the performances in the blog so the curious can go to the Idol site to watch. (Disabling the embedding is so dumb. Come on Fox. More eyes for your advertisers if you allow embedding.)

Von Smith. Rooster Hair. "You’re all I need to get by." Marvin Gaye is hard to sing and at first, I thought this whitebread dude was fucking it up because his low octaves were painful. Then he hit the chorus and nailed it. Really hit it—I am stunned that this kid can pull off Marvin Gaye. He's wearing the awful in-look though. A red V neck and red sneakers with gray suit. Jesus H man. Simon said he gives off a “Clay Aiken vibe.” Hey Simon, why not just punch him in the balls?

Taylor Vifauna. Ambiguous race woman from Utah. "Some people." Hard song from Alicia Keys. Like the first guy, she hit the chorus. Carrying on a clothing tradition noted last week, she's in another empire waist dress. What the fuck ladies? Stop with the 6 month pregnant look.“What’s it like to go shopping with Taylor” from Kara. Thanks for that insight Stupid. Judges are rough on her. At 17, she'll get over being voted off.

Alex Wagner-Trugman. Dorky guy. "That’s Why They Call it the Blues." He's the winner if this is Last Comic Standing. He delivers a few good jokes but his singing sucks. Still, his poor singing was not as bad as his muscular dystrophy dancing. (Guilt tax. Note to wife reading this: Send MD a check for $100.) Topping off how painful it was, he arranges this sad song to jazz it up. His performance's end was the best part.

Ariana Afsar. 17 year old SD girl. "Winner takes it all." When Ryan said she’d be singing ABBA, I thought Dancing Queen would be the perfect choice for this cute 17 year old.



Then she sings "Winner Takes it All," a somber ode. The judges can't stop panning the song choice long enough to note that she had a strong voice.

Ju’not Joyner. Black guy with cuffs. "Hey There Delilah."



This is a honkey-tastic song (that as a honkey, I like). He slowed it down more than its already slow tempo and I despised (judges loved) the arrangement. Whatever. This guy has a great voice but the song did him no favors. If he can really belt out a song, this song didn't show it and despite the judge-love, I didn't feel it. I do wonder at his name, pronounced Jew-Not. If he makes it further, I'll throw in some speculation about his parent's possible biases.

Kristin McNamara. Plastic surgery. "Give me one reason." Yet another Empire waist dress. Sometimes I see someone and just know for a certainty that they are toxically crazy. Enter this woman. Even Simon comments on it. Her singing is forgettable. Her psychosis is not. If she's 23, I'm 6 foot 9.

Nathaniel Marshall. Inappropriate piercing guy. "I would do anything for love." It's a photo finish to see who I hate more, this guy or Meatloaf. You win Nathaniel. I want to be on record that I wrote that he's Richard Simmons minus the fitness before Kara said something similar. His voice is crap. The tats on chest would be more interesting if you could read them. The judges ask "What kind of record will you make?" Answer: None. Next.

Felicia Barton. Last-minute entrant Mom. "No one" by Alicia Keys. The back story on her late entrance is that some Philadelphia (Go Phillies) girl had a record contract so this lady got in 2 days ago. She's one of the few tonight who sang her heart out. She was off pitch a few times but it's a hard song. 9 for effort. 10 for likeability. 6 for singing because of song difficulty. She stands out and may advance on guts and Rocky factor.



Scott MacIntyre. Blind guy with Greg Brady's hair. " Mandolin Rain." Several times tonight the audience is clapping out a beat inappropriately. What the fuck? He has awful pitch issues. Aren't blind people supposed to have heightened complementary senses like Daredevil had? I'm thinking he's gone at the same time that the judges are fellating him. They are completely FULL. OF. SHIT. Blind guys are good for ratings so advance the blind guy. Give me a break. ::..:.::...:: --that's Braille for me giving the judges The Finger.

Kendall Beard. Country Girl. "This one’s for the girls." (Here's a Yu-Gi-Oh video of the original song that is just fucking bizarre.)


I don't like country much but this girl is charming and she sings precisely the right song for her. A nice ballad with a message we can all get behind: 13 year-old-girls should not give up their poon-tang. Check. When Kara is first up and an attractive woman is on stage, the attractive woman is fucked. No exception here. Kara dicks her over and the other judges follow suit. The judges are wrong. She was solid.

Jorge Nunez. Gay PR guy. "Don’t Let the sun go down on me." As he starts singing I wonder: Is he singing in Spanish? Terrible song choice. Here you have a vivacious energetic gay guy and he chooses a ballad by a colorful but at this point somewhat old and dull Brit. In a trend for the night, the judges are idiotic and compliment his song choice. Simon is right to note that Paula and Kara patronize him for working on his accent. How obnoxious. A first: Ryan made Abigail and me laugh by telling callers to dial "Five Seven Uno Uno" after the guy breaks into Spanish because he's so excited. I didn't think it was possible for a man to be smaller than Ryan but this guy is.

Lil Rounds. "Be without you." Wow. I stopped taking notes because she was THAT good. Not only the best of the night but if America votes right, it can crown the next Idol right now. And I don't even like R&B but there's no doubt she's got the best voice and her stage presence is good. In a crowd shot, the inappropriate piercing guy is not only singing but also acting out the song to the country girl who's next to him. Ridiculous. All the judges love it and cunty Kara goes street in her review, donning an incongruous hip-hop affect. Ugh.

Top 3: Patriots/Lil Rounds
Felicia Barton
And because Idol is picking at least one man and one woman this season in this round, Von.