The show opened with a Ryan Seacrest yuckfest. At this point in the blog's history, I've called Ryan every Roget's synonym of tool and Antichrist there is. It's time to concede defeat: He's stronger than me. Ryan Seacrest is the bestest.
Mississippi Jasmine. "Love Song." I feel sympathetic to the young kids until they've been around a few weeks and then I get more comfortable about bashing them. This poor girl had some issues staying in tune, especially early. Her stunning stage presence did nothing to overcome her rough voice. See ya later wide-set-apart eyes.
Piano guy who's not blind and without piano. "Viva la Vida." I remember this guy from the auditions and he's got a solid voice. This Coldplay shit sucks dick though. Too bad he couldn't copy the original Satriani version.
The dude's vibrato-ing every third note to remind everyone that he can actually sing (unlike the Coldplay dumbass) and it's not working. His movements are Mr. Roboto-like. Via con Dios buddy. I could not hate Kara more. She's got her "dog" knee jerk line already established; "Not the right song choice." Coldplay is never the right song choice.
Leggy bartender. "The Love."This woman is walking a fine line between being hot and being a man. Either way, her singing is holy-shit awfulness. I hope this isn't another night where the backup singers add to the pain but so far, they are. Part way through her medcine from the judges, she starts begging, which removes any chance of her being "hot."
Nelson/Neil the headband gay guy. "Who the fuck cares?" He's Liberace minus the talent. Richard Simmons minus the novelty.
You know how in the underrated movie Multiplicity, Michael Keaton keeps making copies of himself and each one is a little worse than the original, until he comes up with the version of himself who inexplicably calls everyone "Steve?" Well, this guy is the queen version of that crappy copy.
Teen vampire girl. "Alone." If Whitney Houston taught me anything, and she's taught me a lot, she taught me this: Vacuous people can be great singers. Saving her awful red hair for a future post, she CRUSHED a hard song to sing. With the exception of a few singers, she actually went for it and nailed it. And thanks to Paula for breaking out the "You can sing the phone book line," which I thought was reserved for Randy. Best woman of the night.
Archuletta conehead haircut guy. "Man in the Mirror." I don't get this guy but the judges seemed to like him and his lack of ambition is something women seem to like in a singer. He did nothing interesting or original with a boring King of Pop song. Michael Jackson can sing this because he's a god. This guy can't sing it because he blows. Considering how bad the night was up to this point, I'm just happy he's on key.
Tatooed mommy. "Put your records on." Pregnant? My wife says her dress's waist is called an Empire waist. Okie dokie. I call it fugly waist, which along with her flat shoes and giant tat all detract from a strikingly pretty woman. Her shoulder-shake dance move is neither sexy nor appealing. Hmm. A lot of comment on appearance but she sang really well. She has a great voice and considering how shitty the performances are tonight, she might move on.
Matt the Welder. "If you could only see." My man is awkward but he has a nice voice. Hard not to like him but he's not remarkable in any way. Randy's "Dog" = Kara's "Poor song choice."
Jessie the mom. "Betty Davis Eyes." Some part of my youth was misspent converting this song to "Betty Davis Thighs."
She'll put her head in your lap
You can feel free to cum twice
You won't have to work hard
Cum on Betty Davis's thighs.
It ain't right but it was just about as good as this nasally breathy performance. She got better by the end but doesn't deserve to move on. Does Paula have a minnow on her finger? And what the fuck does "too cool for school" mean to Simon? I do not think that means what he thinks that means.
Kai Kalama MELE KALIKIMAKA....
"What becomes of the broken hearted?" This dude boomed out the vocals and wasn't awful but also like Simon said: Kind of forgettable.
Mishavonna 18 year old. "Tell me." Oops, I guess it's called "Tears of Jupiter." Fuck you judges. This girl did really well. I completely disagree with the criticisms--it's a somewhat serious song and she sang it appropriately. Second best of the night for the women (who are slaying the men tonight.)
Mic Jagger. "Satisfaction." He's got Mic's Elvis lip, spastic thing down but fuck if this dude doesn't vocally blow this song out.
This guy actually went for it and showed his range. Best man of the night and should easily advance. One of 4 entertaining performances of the night.