McCain defends Obama

I know he made this bed but it's nice to see McCain kicking off the covers at least, sticking up for Obama in the face of some of his idiot supporters.

Take on Me (eeeeeeeeee)

I listened to Coheed and Cambria for 5 years when someone told me that all their songs are about some comic book that the lead singer writes. And I was all, "Getthefuckouttahere!" And he was all, "Here'sthelinkdumbass." How the hell should I know? I don't know what any song is about unless it's sung like this one.

(Wait for it to build until the lyrics...if you're an 80s child, you won't mind the long buildup...[Sam, Hester will no doubt groove to this])



What songs are out there that wouldn't need this kind of video? What songs just tell it like it is? Here's one.



What else? Another song that leaves no mystery to its message? I can't think of one but I also can't pass up a chance to introduce you, gentle reader, to R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet Rap Opera. I once played basketball with R. Kelly (truth) and he's as crazy as this song, which is not meant as a joke, spoof, or satire. R. Kelly does not have a funny bone in his insane head.

More McCain voters

Here's some more with the electorate. I promise I'm working on a non-election story right this second.

The Latest Farce - Last Night's "Debate"

Anyone catch the big farce last night - the so-called Town Hall debate? I was disgusted watching it. And as far as I am concerned, neither man deserves to be President, as it was absolutely clear that neither man has the first clue about the financial crisis or how to deal with it. Not the first clue. Not the first clue. Not the first clue.

While with a big lead it might have been risky for Obama to address the issues directly (and while that's not a legit excuse), why the hell did McCain not seize the day. All he needed to do was to tell the American people that he was there to directly answer any question posed to him and then ask the American people to watch how Obama will not give a straight answer to any question. All McCain had to do next was to actually answer the questions posed. This is why the stock market is failing. These are some of the biggest reasons for it. This is how I plan on addressing these issues. Instead, McCain (like Obama) ducked everything and fell into his talking points. Idiot.

McCain also had a chance to seize the day re. his cabinet. People are rightly concerned he's old and that Palin was a terrible (read: the worst possible) choice for VP. How about him standing up and saying that I won't be governing alone. If elected, these 8 people have agreed to serve in the following posts. They are the best and the brightest this country has to offer. Together they have 300 years of experience - more experience than the age of this republic. And then he could toss that back at Obama. While I have a plan and the people in place to execute it, what does Obama have? He's got nothing. He's all smoke and mirrors.

But did he do any of those things? Of course not, he's an idiot who has no business in this race much less being in the U.S. Senate. His handlers, while experts at spoon feeding talking points to brainless hockey moms, have no ability to think strategically.

On top of that, Brokaw should be put out to pasture. He had the chance to make his mark and not only did he screw it up, he looked like a fool. If I'm Brokaw, I go completely off the board. I throw out the rule book and demand that the candidates respond to my questions. What could the candidates do if they didn't like it? Walk out on live television? What could be done to Brokaw - he's semi-retired? And he'd be viewed as a hero if anyone messed with him for being tough on these candidates. I would have fired one tough question after another and would interrupt if my question was not being answered. I'd also get smart with the candidates when they ducked. Is your avoidance of the question an admission that you don't know the answer? Don't you think the President should know the answer?

We've got real problems in this country folks and the next President needs to understand the problems and be prepared to address them. So far, neither Obama nor McCain demonstrated either. And after eight years of having an arrogant, know nothing as President, we can't afford to have four more years of the same. I don't know about you, but I'm scared about our future. And it sure looks like neither McCain nor Obama are going to make me feel any better, anytime soon.

Life Rules, Part One

As a public service to my fellow citizen's of the world, here is the first installment of Life Rules. Life Rules are simple guidelines that all civilized people are required to follow without question. They are not negotiable.

1) No one riding on public transportation should ordinarily ever talk on a cellular phone. If the call is important enough to merit violating this general rule, under no circumstances is the person to talk loudly on the phone. Loudly means in a tone that can be heard more than 2 rows away from where the person is seated. Modern cell phones are impressive instruments, you can talk quietly and still be heard. This same rule applies to people having a conversation on the conveyance.

2) Under no circumstances shall a commuter sit on the inside seat on a bus or train and place his or her things on the seat next to them to prevent other passengers from sitting down next to them. It's plain rude.

3) Under no circumstances shall a commuter sit on the outside seat on a bus or a train - when no one is sitting on the inside seat. This little maneuver is even more rude and is passive aggressive. New passengers shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable about asking to sit in an empty seat on the conveyance.

4) Respect people's personal space. Under no circumstances shall you walk within three feet behind someone else. Either slow down or pass the person. It makes the followee must uncomfortable. If you are speaking to someone face to face and they can smell your breadth or feel the air coming out of your mouth - you're too close. Back off - close talker.

5) If you are driving behind someone in the right lane, are less than 4 car lengths behind, and have ample room to pass on the left - pass on the left. Nothing gets me madder than having some a-hole tailgate me for no reason. Even worse is when you move over to the left, and they stay in the right lane and speed off. Just move over and pass jackass.

6) You must pause 1 second before hitting the horn when behind someone stopped at a traffic light after the light changes to green.

7) You are required to turn right on red at a light whenever you can. No excuses.

8) Never - I repeat NEVER - advance into the "box" in an intersection unless you are 100% certain that you'll get through the light before it turns red.

9) Never blow your horn at someone when you are stuck in traffic.

10) Never use the word "yous." In the first place, it's not a word. In the second, it makes you sound like a piece of uneducated trash from South Philly. The word "you" is singular and plural. There is no excuse for violating this rule - not even for waitresses.

11) When a waitress says "Are yous ready to order," you are required to say "wes are ready."

12) Unless you own the joint in which you are waiting tables, you are not permitted to say "I" have the following specials. You don't have anything, the restaurant or its owner does. Waitresses are never permitted to say that they'll "be taking care you today." We know what your fuckin' role is - just introduce yourself and take our orders. And NEVER, I repeat NEVER shall a wait person take an order without writing it down. Your memory is not that good. Just write down the god damn order.

13) When you pick a gym locker - in a private gym - you are required to pick one that is at least one full locker away from a locker being used. No one's personal space should be invaded by some idiot in a three-quarters empty locker room.

14) Under no circumstances are you permitted to be entirely naked outside the shower at a gym. Have some sense of decency and decorum. We don't want to see your junk. Never.

15) Shut the hell up while you are working out. Th gym is no place to carry on cell phone conversations or to gossip with your girlfriends.

16) If you're working out, work out. You are not permitted to delude yourself into thinking you are exercising by sitting on an exercise bike and pedaling 1 mile an hour - it's not exercise.

17) If you work in a retail store, do not say hello to every entering customer and ask them if they need help finding something. If we need your help, rest assured we'll ask. If you must violate this rule, if the customer says no thank you, that's it. You have no right to say another word to the customer. As a corollary, you are not permitted to say "goodbye, have a good day" to every customer that leaves the store. Save us the bullshit platitudes.

18) If you are at a movie, shut the fuck up. You're not at home and we can hear you.

Look for more Life Rules in upcoming posts.

As good a reason as any to pick a VP

You've been wondering why McCain chose Palin? Wonder no more.

Sad Guys on Trading Floors

Once shit like this goes mainstream, the worst is bound to be over. I introduce the website Sad Guys on Trading Floors.

(Thanks to the Big Picture blog for calling attention to this.)

At least one person gets it

Following my lead, John Stewart cranks his criticism of Congress's failure to pass the bailout bill out of the park.

Mark to market accounting

There’s been a fair amount of talk about the problem with the “mark to market” accounting rule lately and how it’s contributing to the financial downturn. Wondering what “mark to market” accounting is? Whatever you do, don’t listen to the Economics professor who tried to explain it on NPR this morning.

I'm no economist but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night so let me explain it in stupidhead terms. If I can understand this thing, anyone can.

Let’s say you’re a bank. You have an asset sheety where you keep track of all the shit that’s worth a thing. This is one of the ways you—and others—assess how financially healthy you are. Banks with lots of assets are pretty healthy. Banks with fewer assets = less healthy. More importantly, banks with assets on the decline = in trouble.

With the idea of that asset sheet’s health in mind, enter the mark to market accounting rule. This rule helps define a certain value to your assets. Under mark to market accounting, the value of your asset is the amount that you could get for the asset in the current market.

Step into today’s economy. You’re still the bank. (Remember: that’s how this started moneybags.) One of your assets is your real estate holdings (there are other assets affected by mark to market but I'll stick with real estate for this example) that you own as collateral for mortgages. So let’s say that in October 2007, your real estate holdings were 100 million. By mid-2008, real estate was tanking so now your real estate asset was worth 70 million. Ugh. Bad half a year.

But things suddenly got a lot worse in September—the sub-prime mortgage mess is in full effect and the bottom drops out of real estate, which again fucks your asset sheet…not slowly but immediately. The panic in real estate has an immediate and fucking effect on your balance sheet and in 1 week, your balance sheet is valued at 50 million.

Now you’re a bank with a certain asset with a value that halved in a year. Banks need—MUST HAVE—good balance sheets, i.e., lots of assets. If you don't, people pull all their money (just like the run in It's a Wonderful Life)



and then you have no cash and you're kaput. So what do you do? You have to hoard cash instead of loaning it out so that you have more assets.

This is awful though! Hoarding cash means that you as bank won’t be making money on loans (that's how you make money as a bank but you knew that). Not loaning people money means that companies don’t have money to pay employees, make improvements, and otherwise turn the wheel of the economy. (This is the "credit crunch" everyone's talking about.)

So what’s the problem with mark to market accounting? Mark to market accounting destroys a bank’s asset sheet in a hurry when a panic occurs—which incites even more panic.

The proposed panacea for “mark to market” accounting would allow banks to value their assets not based on their value in the market, but some value that is not panic-inspired. So let’s say the bank looks at it’s real estate collateral and says, “The panic will end and the real value of this real estate is 80 million, which is what it will be valued again in the near future.” This helps the bank’s asset sheet and doesn’t feed the panic spiral.

If you’re still with me, you perceive the problem with this too. It gives the bank a lot of leeway to voodoo the asset values to something other than their market values. This sort of voodoo undermines confidence in banks’ ability to value assets, which could cause other problems and is the reason mark to market accounting went into effect in the first place.

Suspension of the mark to market rule should have a good effect immediately on balance sheets, driving up the values of banks' assets overnight. The immediate result will be banks having more assets. With more assets on paper, banks don't have to hoard so much cash. What do banks do with excess cash? Loan it out--that's right. This gets cash flowing into the economy and it's not a loan from the US taxpayer. Changing the mark to market rule is undoubtedly a faster and more market-friendly way to start money flowing into the economy than the 700 billion dollar rescue nee bailout plan, which will take a lot longer to get going.

Any other questions class?

Justice delayed is ... Justice

There's been a lot of bad news lately - gas prices are on the rise, the stock market is in the tank, U.S. soldiers continue to die needlessly, the housing market is in decline, investment banking firms are collapsing, unemployment is on the rise, and Sarah Palin is running for Vice President. Amidst all of the bad something good - something very good - happened on Friday. 13 years to the day that one of the biggest miscarriages of justice took place in American history, a jury in Sin City righted a wrong and found Orenthal James (O.J.) Simpson guilty on all counts. How fitting indeed is it that a man as lucky as Simpson lost his freedom in the gambling mecca of the world? How fitting is it that a man as stupid as Simpson lost his freedom committing one of the dumbest crimes ever - stealing back his own memorabilia. Couldn't he have simply bought a Sharpie and made some more? They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and they're right. Simpson committed robbery in Vegas and now gets to stay there the rest of his life. I sure hope his cell faces the Strip so he can - day after day and year after year - see what he is missing.