We've all played seatmate Roulette. You're sitting on the bus/train/plane with an empty seat next to you. As people pile on, you place your hopes on the fit brunette joining you, only to have her pass you by for the homeless guy who snuck on the train. With that scenario in mind, I've developed Adams's Hierarchy of Seatmate Needs (with all due credit to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs).Essential Needs.
- Smell. A seatmate must not smell. B.O. is awful. Doody smell is so much worse. But ladies (and select men), perfume is nearly as bad. If my seatmate smells, I'm outta here.
- Weight. I'm 6-2, 185 lbs. Think Barack Obama build. So unfortunately, I offer a lot of space for a potential seatmate. And like a law of physics, an overweight person ALWAYS feels the need to fill this available space. Meaning, they fill their designated area, and a few rolls overlap into mine...and onto my leg...and into my lap. Ick. If you can't fit in your own space, stand the eff up. You need the exercise and I don't need to be covered by your warm jiggliness. (Note to self: do not Google Image "fat ass" ever again.)Important Needs.
- Shut. The. Fuck. Up. That one's simple. Read a goddamn book or magazine (not a rattling all in-my-face newspaper). Go to sleep. DO NOT EVER FUCKING TALK TO ME.
- Be still. Don't reach in your bag 10x. Don't bounce your nervous leg. Stop twitching unless you're on cocaine.
- Childless. I love kids, I do. But drive them to your destination. Not because I don't like your kids. It's because I don't like your parenting.
Not Essential Needs (The cherry on top).
- Attractive member of opposite sex. Yeah, like she's going to sit next to me. Forget that. Just be thin and don't smell and I'll be pretty goddamn happy.
