On July 7, 2008, John Adams ("ME") and ALL OF YOU FUCKERS ("YOU FUCKERS"), in order to avoid such gifts as Anchorage T-shirts (never been there), fancy pens (that I'll lose or never use), books that I've already read, and Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired bookends, do hereby agree to the following terms.(1) YOU FUCKERS are absolved from ever giving me a GIFT, herein defined as shitty shit ME wouldn't shit out my shitter. The occasion does not matter. Birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. are all and forever Non-GIFT-giving holidays, which are defined herein as holidays for which you never have to give ME a GIFT. Ever. Never. Stop it. No exceptions. Even parents are barred. Especially parents are barred. Yes parents, you are YOU FUCKERS. Remember the evangelical book trying to convince me to believe in Jesus H? Aaaaaack. No more.
(2) ME am exempt from giving YOU FUCKERS a gift, (small "G" because it's probably not shitty shit ME wouldn't shit out my shitter) on all occasions as well. If YOU FUCKERS violate clause 1, expect nothing in return except for the GIFT that YOU FUCKERS gave ME. ME will from this day forward be a regifter, defined herein as someone who doesn't give a fuck if YOU FUCKERS know that ME hate YOU FUCKERS for giving ME a GIFT.
(3) If YOU FUCKERS insist on violating clause 1, and will refuse a regifted GIFT, you must abide by the following: YOU FUCKERS must only give me the gift-of-cash. Cash is King. ME won't regift cash to YOU FUCKERS. Give it up. Not a GIFT card. Cold hard cash. That's not a bad gift. If YOU FUCKERS give me cash, expect nothing in return becasue it's still annoying to get any gift as it creates no obligation even though it feels like it does.
/John Adams/
John Adams
/You Fuckers/
YOU FUCKERS
