One of the things the parenting manual leaves out is that you have to watch the same TV shows as your kid. Over the years through Nabby's current age 6, Baby Einstein begat Sesame Street begat Mr. Rogers Neighborhood begat Zooboomofoo begat Clifford begat Caillou begat Blues Clues begat Dora and Diego begat Pooh and Friends begat (here comes the worst step in this family tree) Suite Life of Zack and Cody begat Hannah Montana.
Which brings us to this past week. Who would crawl out of my TV's womb next? After the Suite Life/Hannah birth, I await a bile-spewing 3-headed hairball with 666 branded on his forehead. When out pops Leave it to Beaver.
Barbara Billingsly, Hugh Beaumont, Tony Dow, and Jerry Mathers (as the Beaver, klaro). I welcome them with open arms. Hey Disney: You can take your HD-surround sound 3 billion-dollar Hannah Montana empire and stick it right up your ass.
Black and white mono Beaver is magic-packed. If you haven't visited with the Cleavers recently, I encourage you to do so. Whether it's the whitewashed 50s perspective or Ward paying for a 10 cent coffee (suck on that Starbucks), you'll be happy you dropped in. And June will be made up, well-quaffed, and in her best dress--with pearls--for your arrival. No sweatpants on this Hausfrau.
Think of this entry like that shitty TV public programming you see on Sunday mornings. Every once in a while, I feel the need to help people with a tip after figuring out something that drove me nuts. On the off-chance that google indexes this site, maybe this will help you. If you're here looking for entertainment, this post is the opposite, though I promise to swear at least once.
So we've moved to a custom domain name, as you can see: www.wespeakthetruth.com
Only the migration wasn't as easy as it should have been, considering that I bought the URL through Blogger, and the Blog was supposed to move automatically.
If you've bought a domain name through Blogger/Blogspot and your blog isn't showing up at the new domain name, you're pissed. If you login to blogger and point the fucking thing to your new domain name and it says "another blog is hosted there," you're really pissed. So here's what you need to do.
First, you have to go to your "Google Apps" within your web page administration page. Where the fuck is that, you ask? I dunno. When I bought the page, it sent me a link. I click on that to get to Google Apps. From there,
1. Disable and enable the webpage service in Google apps and then publish a sample page (create a web page called something like "test"). 2. After you publish the web page, delete it. 3. Disable the webpage service. 4. Enable the webpage service. 5. Now login to blogger, go to publishing, custom domain name, advanced settings, and point blogger to your website (in my case www.wespeakthetruth.com). It will not give "another blog is hosted" error and should be fixed.
It's a 3 song night. One song chosen by a judge, the singer, and the producers. Odd setup and the songs chosen by others could be terrible. Here's hoping that Cook advances, not because he's so awesome, but because he's the best of the remaining 3.
David Archuletta. He's sporting the 1988 look with the Member's only jacket and skinny tie. What the fuck dude? Get modern.
Turns out David is from Utah and his town mayor is Sam Elliot?
"And so it goes" by Billy Joel. It's a Paula choice. David's dew is a brush forward straight from Speed Racer. As is so often the case, his Nasalness left me cold, bored, and dulled out. Randy says Paula chose a dope song. Yeah. Kinda. David is a dwarf. Simon says he's predictable, which is spot on--Archuletta does one song: ballad. Any movement towards a cool song throws him.
David's choice. "With You" by Chris Brown. This is a hot contemporary song and Chris Brown can both sing and dance. Archuletta can't match Brown's voice and his dancing? Honkeee-tastic.
"Longer" by Dan Fogelberg. Producer's choice. This is my "give a guy a good ass-fucking" song. Yeehaw. Couldn't be a cornier corndoggy song. My wife Abigail curses me and this blog because I force her to sit through every tortuous note. Are the violins really necessary to add to the cheesey vibe? "You could sing the phone book" is the line of the night for Randy--he's shelved "If you can sing, you can sing anything" this week.
Syesha Mercado. Randy's song choice. "If I ain't got you." Alicia Keys. Unoriginal--another divaesque deal. I have to wonder: did Syesha try to find such an unflattering dress? She's got major low orbit boobies. Hard to look bad with her supermodel body but she succeeded. Nevertheless, after weeks of hatred, the song was pretty good.
Syesha's choice. "Fever" by Peggy Lee. Sexy dress. Lighting is good. Best moves and stage presence of the remaining 3. All this "action" started from Andrew Lloyd Webber week. The judges hated it. (See conspiracy notes). Fuck the judges. They were WAY wrong--she is the best of round 2.
"Hit me up" by Gia Ferrall. Stupid song choice from fuckhead producers. Some songs you aren't supposed to sing live. Ever. This is one of them. I'm sure Gia Ferrall lip sucks this in concert. And yet they put Syesha to the challenge of singing it live. Asshole-motherfuckers. I'd kill them Syesha. It was bad. Paula says Syesha's not good enough for the finals and she's right but who would pick this song?
David Cook. "First time ever I saw your face" by Roberta Flack. Simon picked this to bust David's balls. David has a few pitch issues chasing the high range but the judges praise him for the most part--and have some funny interaction as Simon compliments his choice. The Round 1 winner. David's Mom is tearful and standing during the song: +1 million votes.
David's choice is Switchfoot's "Dare you to move." Like last week with Baba O'Reilly, he doesn't have enough time to build a song in 90 seconds. Paula is right on there. Decent enough but not great.
"I don't wanna miss a thing" by (in my mind) Aerosmith. Apparently, some chick wrote it but when I hear it, I tear up over Bruce Willis's bravery in Armageddon. Or was he in the other earth-killing asteroid movie? Whatever. David goes risky and starts with a string background that builds to a rocking crescendo. He pulls off the slow build in his 90 seconds, to my amazement. He's the round 3 winner.
Other observations.
There was lots of calculated judge bullshit. Clearly they want the battle of the Davids, and hammered Syesha even though Archuletta didn't do shit.
The hot chick from Taxi was in the audience, as was the gay secretary from that shitty show about the dumb handsome actor on HBO.
Mr. Adams has added another voice - Dr. Johnson's.
As a fan of the show for much of its run, I can say definitively that with the ousting of Chris Daughtry and the win of no talent Soul Patrol - Idol jumped the shark. Unfortunately, Idol jumped the shark and landed on the deck of the Titanic, post-iceberg. As mediocre as last season was, this season is worse. While the mean (average) might have been a bit higher than in some seasons past, there is no one good enough or charismatic enough or just plain interesting enough to be crowned anything - much less an American Idol. Tonight's show cemented the deal.
I'll start with Gilbert Godfrey (with my apologies to the real GG who actually has some flair - albeit in a fake, over-the-top, Mr. Saturday Night sort of vibe). My dear Mr. Adams has nailed Archie-boy in blogs past. He has a decent voice, but zero presence and no star quality. I am not sure where the contender went after he sang Imagine, but the gone he is. Tonight's performances were vintage Archuletta. Nothing to write home about. Song 1 was his best. He's got some ability to riff melodically when he lets loose. He does have some power to his chops but whoever is managing him, needs to spend more time with his wife and other kids and leave this child alone. Song 2 was a train wreck. I couldn't even make out what he was trying to sing. Don't these people have favorite songs that they've nailed for years? Put me in Idol, dial up My Way or That's Life and look out. I'd need zero prep to perform better than G squared and I have nowhere near his voice. Song 3 wasn't bad - although a stoned Castro, i.e. the Castro from the first 4-5 weeks would have taken that one deep. As for the Judges - boy they stink worse than a closet full of Shaq's old gym shoes. Randy thought GG was the bomb. Hardly. Her stonedness didn't make any sense per usual. And neither did Cowell. He thought the Fogelberg song was gooey? GG didn't pick it - your bosses did. Does he even hear the things he says?
On to BamBamMichaels. Nice facial hair - not. And nice bowing with hands clinched. Who are you ... Nero? While he is definitely a bit creepy looking - this guy actually had some potential - until of course the producers and the sound mixers decided to sabotage the poor kid after he hit a grand slam with Billy Jean. Anyone else notice that his levels have been all out of whack since? You can hardly hear the guy's power over the music and the background singers. It's utterly inexplicable. Seriously. Are they out to get the guy? Does he stand out too much. Well, back to the show. Song 1 was utterly atrocious. I am apoplectic that Simon had the audacity to pick: a) an ancient song; b) meant for a woman; and c) that was totally wrong for the guy. Of course it stunk. The only think that stunk worse were Cowell's accolades for that horror. Strike that. What stunk worse was Cowell's criticism of Syesha for singing an old fashioned song after he saddled Cook with the song that he did. What a hypocrite. Song 2 was typical Cook. Dreadful mix. Weird arrangement. Sung pretty well, but not great. Song 3 was not much better. It was ruined by the string section that clashed with the electric guitars. And the performance did not stand up against the original at all. I am not sure what Simon was smoking - but for my money Cook finished tied for third tonight with the other two.
On to Black Barbie. She looked good. She moved better (particularly in Song 2). And she sounded the best of the group. While I thought her Alicia Keys was serviceable at best, I have no idea what the judges were watching in Song 2. Her Fever was the best performance of the night. It was the best female performance of the season. It was an inspired choice sung flawlessly. It was not old fashioned at all. It was just right. It was outstanding. Song three was - as Randy would say - just ok for me. But guess what folks, she didn't pick that crap, the producers did and did so - I contend - to screw Syesha out of the finals. Oh well, at least Brooke White is still gone. Yuck - she stunk for 8 straight weeks. I still feel serious jipped that she din't completely melt down when she was booted off an Island she shouldn't have been on in the first place. But I digress.
Which brings me to my mystery question of the night? Are the judges instructed who to promote? Do the producers think that David v. David will do better than GG v. BB? Do they think that BB will not be as marketable as GG or BBM? They must or they wouldn't have done everything in their power - even stoner-chick - to dis per Syesha. I think I might wear out my speed dial in support of BB.
As this latest and worst season of Idol winds down, I urge all of you to get on board the So You think You Can Dance train. That show is everything that this one isn't. Truly talented unknowns putting on world-class performances week in and week out. It's damn near miraculous how good that show is. As for Idol. I don't want any of these people to win. And I wanted none of the top 12 to win as none of them were good enough to win. Does anyone think that any of those 12 and the remaining 3 are good enough for the radio? Not me. GG is no Feinstein or Buble or Groban. BB is no Keys or Arie or Jones (notice I didn't say Whitney or Mariah?). And BBM is certainly no Daughtry. Is America completely out of singing talent? Or were all good acts already signed? For me, this Season of Idol is my last. Unfortunately, I think the show will outlast me.
A final note. Anyone catch that twitch next to the midget when he announced BBM's last song? He looked like someone who is too odd to be a whack-packer. Anyone else get the sense that he was mentally undressing the midget? Oooohhh (shuddering audibly). Speaking of midgets. Who wouldn't tune in to see Eric the Midget handling Seacrest's "job"? That would keep me coming back for years.
This is one of the crock of shit holidays. Among others are:
Father's Day Valentine's Day All manner of Secretary's Day Flag Day President's Day Columbus Day Anniversary Days Birthdays after 21 Labor Day
Fuck you to all these "Days." From now on, I decapitalize you and refuse to acknowledge your existence.
Days that can stay in the rotation.
Christmas Easter (only if you have kids) Independence Day Veteran's Day (I suggest moving this to Labor Day to have that nice end of Summer holiday) Memorial Day New Year's Day MLK Day Thanksgiving
Then we should get, as a Constitutional right, 5 floater "days" that we can take whenever we want. Say, July 20 as Moon day for when we landed on the moon. Or March 15 as Fuckoff day because there are no holidays in March.
One of the things the parenting manual leaves out is that you have to watch the same TV shows as your kid. Over the years through Nabby's current age 6, Baby Einstein begat Sesame Street begat Mr. Rogers Neighborhood begat Zooboomofoo begat Clifford begat Caillou begat Blues Clues begat Dora and Diego begat Pooh and Friends begat (here comes the worst step in this family tree) Suite Life of Zack and Cody begat Hannah Montana.
Barbara Billingsly, Hugh Beaumont, Tony Dow, and Jerry Mathers (as the Beaver, klaro). I welcome them with open arms. Hey Disney: You can take your HD-surround sound 3 billion-dollar Hannah Montana empire and stick it right up your ass.
Black and white mono Beaver is magic-packed. If you haven't visited with the Cleavers recently, I encourage you to do so. Whether it's the whitewashed 50s perspective or Ward paying for a 10 cent coffee (suck on that Starbucks), you'll be happy you dropped in. And June will be made up, well-quaffed, and in her best dress--with pearls--for your arrival. No sweatpants on this Hausfrau.
