Life Rules, Part One

As a public service to my fellow citizen's of the world, here is the first installment of Life Rules. Life Rules are simple guidelines that all civilized people are required to follow without question. They are not negotiable.

1) No one riding on public transportation should ordinarily ever talk on a cellular phone. If the call is important enough to merit violating this general rule, under no circumstances is the person to talk loudly on the phone. Loudly means in a tone that can be heard more than 2 rows away from where the person is seated. Modern cell phones are impressive instruments, you can talk quietly and still be heard. This same rule applies to people having a conversation on the conveyance.

2) Under no circumstances shall a commuter sit on the inside seat on a bus or train and place his or her things on the seat next to them to prevent other passengers from sitting down next to them. It's plain rude.

3) Under no circumstances shall a commuter sit on the outside seat on a bus or a train - when no one is sitting on the inside seat. This little maneuver is even more rude and is passive aggressive. New passengers shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable about asking to sit in an empty seat on the conveyance.

4) Respect people's personal space. Under no circumstances shall you walk within three feet behind someone else. Either slow down or pass the person. It makes the followee must uncomfortable. If you are speaking to someone face to face and they can smell your breadth or feel the air coming out of your mouth - you're too close. Back off - close talker.

5) If you are driving behind someone in the right lane, are less than 4 car lengths behind, and have ample room to pass on the left - pass on the left. Nothing gets me madder than having some a-hole tailgate me for no reason. Even worse is when you move over to the left, and they stay in the right lane and speed off. Just move over and pass jackass.

6) You must pause 1 second before hitting the horn when behind someone stopped at a traffic light after the light changes to green.

7) You are required to turn right on red at a light whenever you can. No excuses.

8) Never - I repeat NEVER - advance into the "box" in an intersection unless you are 100% certain that you'll get through the light before it turns red.

9) Never blow your horn at someone when you are stuck in traffic.

10) Never use the word "yous." In the first place, it's not a word. In the second, it makes you sound like a piece of uneducated trash from South Philly. The word "you" is singular and plural. There is no excuse for violating this rule - not even for waitresses.

11) When a waitress says "Are yous ready to order," you are required to say "wes are ready."

12) Unless you own the joint in which you are waiting tables, you are not permitted to say "I" have the following specials. You don't have anything, the restaurant or its owner does. Waitresses are never permitted to say that they'll "be taking care you today." We know what your fuckin' role is - just introduce yourself and take our orders. And NEVER, I repeat NEVER shall a wait person take an order without writing it down. Your memory is not that good. Just write down the god damn order.

13) When you pick a gym locker - in a private gym - you are required to pick one that is at least one full locker away from a locker being used. No one's personal space should be invaded by some idiot in a three-quarters empty locker room.

14) Under no circumstances are you permitted to be entirely naked outside the shower at a gym. Have some sense of decency and decorum. We don't want to see your junk. Never.

15) Shut the hell up while you are working out. Th gym is no place to carry on cell phone conversations or to gossip with your girlfriends.

16) If you're working out, work out. You are not permitted to delude yourself into thinking you are exercising by sitting on an exercise bike and pedaling 1 mile an hour - it's not exercise.

17) If you work in a retail store, do not say hello to every entering customer and ask them if they need help finding something. If we need your help, rest assured we'll ask. If you must violate this rule, if the customer says no thank you, that's it. You have no right to say another word to the customer. As a corollary, you are not permitted to say "goodbye, have a good day" to every customer that leaves the store. Save us the bullshit platitudes.

18) If you are at a movie, shut the fuck up. You're not at home and we can hear you.

Look for more Life Rules in upcoming posts.